Do You Feel Sexy?
No? Me either. One reason you may struggle with sex and intimacy in your marriage is that you just don’t feel sexy. You may have felt sexy at one time (or maybe not), but somewhere between work and lack of sleep and homework and soccer practice, you just lost touch with your sexy side. Or you think you’re too old to feel sexy, that it’s a young woman’s game and it’s passed you by.
You may have even started to think that sex doesn’t have anything to do with you.
None of those things is true, but almost every married woman feels them. Why? In part because most married women are exhausted much of the time. And in part because we live in a culture that worships youth, sets up unrealistic standards of physical beauty, and perpetuates a false definition of what’s sexy.
In most cases, those false examples of beauty and sexiness don’t actually exist – they’re created by photo editing and other tricks of technology. But you compare yourself to the false images, and you know you don’t measure up. (At least I know I don’t!)
And if you think you don’t measure up, you have a hard time feeling sexy. Add to that the struggle to keep up with daily life, and your sexy side is likely to jump out the window and run screaming down the street!
But it doesn’t have to be that way. You can learn feel sexy and to embrace and enjoy your sexuality. No, it’s not easy – it will take some planning and some effort. But it’s possible – and worth the effort.
And summer is the perfect time to do it. If you’re ready to give it a try, here are seven things you can do to feel sexy this summer (includes affiliate links):
• Make it a priority, and set aside time for it. If feeling sexy and confident in your sexuality is something you want to achieve, devote some time to it. It won’t happen on its own. (Believe me, I’ve tried that approach!) Do you have to spend hours each week “finding” your sexy side? Of course not! But all worthwhile changes require some time and effort, so determine how you’re going to fit working on this worthwhile change into your busy schedule. You may decide that some things are less important right now, and need to be set aside for a while.
• Read and learn about sexual confidence. Read the Song of Songs in the Bible; it’s is a beautiful ancient story of physical love between a husband and wife. For something a little more modern, Sheila Gregoire’s The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and J. Parker’s Hot Holy Humorous – Sex in Marriage by God’s Design promote a positive view of women’s sexuality and sex in marriage.
• Play up your strengths. What do you like about the way you look? We spend so much time focusing on what we don’t like, we forget about our strengths. Maybe you have beautiful hair, a lovely smile, pretty eyes, a trim figure. Pick one or more of your strengths, and make it the best it can be. If it’s your hair, get a good haircut. If it’s your eyes, make them up every morning so they stand out. Wear clothes that flatter your figure. Wear a touch of makeup that draws attention to your pretty skin.
• Wear things that make you feel sexy. Sometimes, wear a fun or sexy bra and panties under your everyday clothes. Have a hot pair of shoes? Wear ’em! A pair of jeans or skirt that hugs your curves just right? Wear it! Obviously, no one can do this all the time, but sometimes a woman just needs to ditch the sweats, raggedy jeans, or ho-hum work outfits for clothes that make her look and feel good.
In the bedroom, wear lingerie that makes you feel good. For some women it might be silky pajamas. For others it might be a lacy gown or boy shorts or even a bra and thong. Focus on what makes you feel sexy and confident in your body, not what ads or store displays say you should wear.
• Practice living confidently. Many people believe that confidence is sexy. Look at the real women (as opposed to models and actresses) you consider to be sexy or attractive. More than likely, they carry themselves with confidence. So practice acting like a confident woman, even if you don’t feel like one. Stand up straight, walk with confidence, look people in the eye, smile, ask people how they’re doing and learn to say no gracefully.
• Take care of your body and learn to enjoy. You take care of others, but do you take care of yourself? Probably not. So get started this week. Eat healthy foods. Get more sleep. Work on releasing stress. And if you want to feel confident and strong in your body, get up and move every day. You don’t have to go to the gym, but you need to do something. Walk, bike, take a hike with your husband, run around outside with the kids, exercise with a DVD, life some hand weights – anything that moves your body and makes it stronger. And do things that make it feel good – dance, stretch, get a massage, or lavish your skin with lotions or oils.
Experiment with things that might make you feel sexy. Some women respond to music. If that’s the case for you, create a sexy music playlist and listen to it often. Other women respond to scent or color or ambiance. I’ve been experimenting with using essential oils to enhance sensual feelings and mood. (These are the essential oils I use – Whisper Blend, Ylang Ylang and Wild Orange.) Think about the kinds of things that might help you feel sexier, and give them a try.
Here’s the bottom line: “sexy” looks a little bit different for every woman. The things that make me feel sexy may do nothing for you, and vice versa. What’s common to all of us, though, is that we need to figure out what works for us. And that’s going to require a little bit of time and effort and experimentation. I believe God created us as sexual beings and wants us to enjoy sex and intimacy in our marriages. We just need to figure out what it will take to get in touch with our sexy side.