Have you ever had “vacation sex?” You know, the kind of fun and relaxed – sometimes even toe-curling – sex that seems to elude a lot of women except when they’re on vacation. I have, and it’s pretty darn good. As a matter of fact, it’s so good that I started wondering how you and I could enjoy more of it, even when we’re not on vacation. Because, let’s face it, vacations don’t happen very often or last very long. And it seems reasonable that we should be able to enjoy the good stuff more than one or two weeks a year. (And if you’ve never experienced vacation sex don’t worry, this is for you too. Because we’re going to try to figure out a way to make it happen for all of us.)
First, let’s identify what it is about vacation that allows some women to really enjoy sex. To me, the two most obvious things are increased relaxation and decreased responsibilities. Most people (even moms!) make an effort to relax when they’re on vacation. They try to let go of stress and tend to plan activities that help them relax. For many women, this increased relaxation also allows them to enjoy sex more.
The decrease in responsibilities also helps – a lot. At home, women feel responsible for so many things – meals, work, housework, laundry, schedules – the list goes on and on. But on vacation, they can set aside some of those responsibilities. Yes, people still need to eat and the kids still have to be supervised. But the list is shorter, and it’s easier to let things go. With fewer responsibilities, many women find that they can turn some of their attention to sex and enjoy it more. (This is why I don’t like “staycations.” When I’m at home I can’t let go of that sense of responsibility.)
So, is it possible for busy women to relax more and let go of some responsibilities, in order to enjoy vacation sex more than 1 or 2 weeks a year? I think the answer is “yes.” It won’t be easy, but I think it’s worth the effort. And although nobody is going to be having vacation-caliber sex all the time, if we can find ways to enjoy it more often, our bodies, minds and marriages will thank us. Here are 4 ideas that may help you enjoy vacation sex, even when you’re not on vacation:
- Plan for it. Although impromptu, unexpected sex that blows your mind sounds fabulous, the reality is that it doesn’t happen very often. For most busy couples, especially those with kids, life just gets in the way. So figure out what it would take for you to relax and let go of some responsibilities once in a while, in order to create the possibility of enjoying vacation-like sex. Maybe that means designating a weekend every month as a time for relaxing and enjoying life, rather than running around doing errands and shuttling kids to activities. Maybe it means setting aside a night every week or every other week when you and your husband ditch the responsibilities and spend time enjoying each other. Maybe it means eating super simple meals off paper plates for a week! Think about what it would take for you to relax and unwind a bit, then figure out a way to make it happen.
- Talk about it. Let your husband know that you’ve been thinking about this and want to work on it. Tell him about the things that get in the way of you relaxing and enjoying great sex with him. Talk about what “vacation sex” means to you and about the things you want to do to add more of it to your life. Ask what he thinks about the idea and what it means to him. Then talk about how to make it happen and what each of you would need to do in order to create a bit more time, space and relaxation in your life.
- Imagine it. For many (maybe most) women, great sex begins in the mind – it requires making a mental transition from mom, employee, homemaker, teacher, and chauffeur mode into sensual woman and lover mode. And honestly, making that shift can be very difficult. So engage your imagination and let your mind do the work for you. Set aside thoughts of to-do lists and day-to-day activities for a short time every day and focus on your sensual side. Think of yourself as a lover. Embrace your God-given sensuality. Think about vacation sex or other great sex you and your husband have enjoyed in the past. And think about the fun things you might do once you’ve cleared out some space in your life to spend more time enjoying each other.
- Facilitate it. Finally, do what it takes to open up some space in your life to make room for vacation-like sex. If that means clearing your schedule one weekend or a couple of days a month, do it. Don’t make excuses – just make it happen. If it means revamping your family’s schedule or ditching some responsibilities that are sapping your energy, do it. If it means letting go of perfection in some areas, let go of it. If it means doing simple things for yourself, like exercising, dancing, listening to music that makes you feel sexy, or wearing clothes that make you feel great, do those things. You know what you need to do to make time and energy for fun sex in your marriage, so just go ahead and do it!
As you go through these 4 steps, you’ll probably begin to feel more enthusiastic about embracing your sexuality and enjoying great sex with your husband. If not, don’t be discouraged. The transition can be difficult and may take some time. (Some of the resources on this page may be helpful.) But the benefits of enjoying fun, relaxed, even toe-curling sex with your husband make it well worth the effort.
(These ideas are intended to encourage women in generally healthy marriages. If your marriage is not healthy, and particularly if it is abusive, these ideas won’t be helpful. Also, if you’re dealing with a difficult situation that affects your sexuality, such as significant health problems or a history of sexual abuse, these ideas won’t be helpful. If that is the case, I encourage you to seek the help of a physician or professional counselor.)