Do you ever feel like your sex life isn’t really about you? That it’s primarily about your husband and his wants and needs, not yours? Do you even wonder if you have any wants and needs when it comes to sex? If so, you’re in good company. Many, if not most, married women know that feeling. I knew it for many years, and I still battle against it at times.
See if this sounds familiar. The feeling often begins after children arrive, as stress increases, sleep decreases, and schedules become packed with responsibilities. Because for many women, sensual and sexual feelings decrease as stress and fatigue increase – they just get pushed into the background.
Before long, interest in sex and intimacy seems to have disappeared – along with a great sex life. After a few years, you begin to wonder if you have a low libido, aren’t really interested, or just aren’t a sexual person.
Can you relate?
The reality, though, is that you are a sexual person. God created sex and intended for you to enjoy it fully in your marriage. Your body is perfectly designed for it (for example, the clitoris has no other purpose!).
The catch is, it can be harder for you to enjoy sex and intimacy than it is for your husband. So over time, one or both of you may decide it isn’t worth effort. But it is worth the effort; it’s worth every bit of time and energy you put into it.
And when you accept that sex is an important part of your life and you begin to enjoy it (again or for the first time), you, your husband, and your marriage will reap tremendous rewards.
(By the way, if anyone in your life is suggesting (or outright saying) that sex isn’t about you, that it’s only about your husband – that person is wrong. Sadly, some churches, families and cultures believe that sex is primarily for men. That’s a lie, and I’m sorry if you’ve heard that message. I know it’s hard to move past it. If you’re in that situation, I encourage you to read sex-positive books, blogs and other resources that can help you develop a new way of thinking.)
If you’re a wife who’s forgotten that you deserve a great sex life too, I encourage you to reclaim it’s place in your life. It’s so much more than “something you do for your husband.” (As a matter of fact, that idea is almost guaranteed to kill your sex drive.) If you’re ready to take steps to rediscover your sexual side and create a fabulous sex life for yourself and your marriage, here are 3 things that can help you get started:
Read, think, pray and talk about it.
Start by reading the articles below or some of the articles and books on the Sex and Marriage Resources page. Think about your sexuality and figure out how it may have gotten off track. Pray about it – God wants you to enjoy a great sex life in your marriage. And start a conversation with your husband. Yes, this can be difficult, and it may feel very awkward at first. But it’s important to say what you’ve been thinking about and learning, and to hear what he has to say. The odds are very good that he’ll be thrilled for you to rediscover (or discover for the first time) your sexuality and to recognize that you deserve a great sex life too.
- How Not to Think About Sex by The Forgiven Wife – Chris shared beautifully in this article how she thought for many years that sex was only about her husband. When she finally understood that sex was for her too, it changed everything. The article really spoke to me, because I saw snapshots of myself in it. I believe every woman who has ever felt that sex is an obligation, rather than a pleasure, will be encouraged by her story.
- How Libido Works for Women by Hot, Holy and Humorous – Sheila Gregoire wrote this guest post to explain how women’s libidos often differ from men’s, and what women can do to engage their libidos and enjoy sex and intimacy.
Figure out what you need.
Once you understand that your sex drive is different from your husband’s (and that it’s perfectly normal!), determine how to get from where you are to where you want to be – namely, enjoying a great sex life in your marriage. For example, you may realize that you need time to unwind at the end of the day – instead of working from sunup to sundown before collapsing into bed! Or you may need more conversation with your husband, to feel like the two of you are really connecting.
Or you may need to get in touch with your body, through exercise, dance, massage, stretching or something else that makes you feel good. Or you may need to do something entirely different. In fact, you’ll probably identify several things you need to do in order to begin embracing your sexuality, increasing your libido, and beginning to enjoy sex. And don’t worry if it takes time (and it probably will). Take small steps and celebrate every bit of progress you make.
The only way to embrace your sensual side and create a great sex life in your marriage is to begin making changes. So pick one thing and try it this week. Maybe you need to have that conversation with your husband or to ask for what you need. Maybe you need to start a healthy eating or exercise program that will help you feel good about your body. Maybe you need to begin to take simple steps to feel sexier or to embrace your sensual side. Maybe you need to begin to take some time for yourself every day, rather than focusing on other people 24/7.
Despite what you may have heard or experienced in the past, sex is about you too. It’s not just something for your husband or an obligation you need to check off your “to do” list. If you sometimes feel that way (and may women do) I encourage you to give some of the ideas and resources in this article a try. It won’t be easy or quick, but you can develop your sensual side and develop an intimate and enjoyable sex life in your marriage.
(Important note: If you have significant physical or emotional health issues related to sex and intimacy, please seek the help of a physician and/or professional counselor. Also, the ideas included in this article (and the links) are intended to encourage women in reasonably healthy marriages. If you’re in a difficult or unhealthy marriage, they won’t be helpful to you. If that’s the case, please seek professional help in your community. And if you’re in a physically or emotionally abusive marriage, please contact a domestic violence organization or law enforcement agency in your community. Abuse is never the fault of the person being abused, and working on your sex life will never improve an abusive marriage.)
If you’re looking for a way to go more in depth on this topic, Sheila Gregoire of To Love, Honor and Vacuum has created an excellent 10-session video course – Boost Your Libido – for women who feel like their sensual side is lost or completely missing in action. It includes videos, an ebook, worksheets, and lots of additional resources. The cost is $39, and it’s well worth the investment if you really want to make progress in this area. I’m an affiliate for the course, which means that I’ll receive a commission if you purchase it through this link. But I’m recommending it because I think it’s a great program. I bought a copy myself and am working my way through it.