4 Things to Do When You're Too Tired for Sex

We’re heading into a hectic time of the year, a time when women find that their busy schedules and long to-do lists are about to get busier and longer. And it’s reminded me of the reality that women often feel too tired for sex – especially during stressful time of the year.

They feel too tired for sex, even if they like it and know it would help them relax and feel less stressful.

If you’ve ever had that feeling – that sex seems like just one more thing on your to-do list, you know what I mean – thinking about it just makes you feel tired.

But it shouldn’t be that way. Sex should be fun and relaxing and it should reduce stress, not make you feel like you’ve added another task to your already-full plate.

So as the holidays approach, and things are starting to get really busy, I wanted to share a few ideas for what to do if you often feel too tired for sex – simple ways to make it more fun and less exhausting. If you’re feeling like sex is just one more thing you need to find time for, these tips may help. (Includes affiliate links.)

4 Things to Do When You’re Too Tired for Sex

1. Take control of your time.

If you’re often too tired for sex, chances are good that you’re trying to do too much, keep too many balls in the air, and be too many things to too many people. And if that’s the case, it’s no surprise that adding anything to your day, including sex, just feels exhausting.

So this week, stop for a few minutes and take an honest look at your schedule. Ask yourself these questions:

Of all the things I do, which ones are truly important and make a real difference to me and my family?
What am I doing that isn’t critical, and maybe isn’t even all that important?
What am I doing because of guilt, not because it adds value to my life or my family’s life
What can I stop doing right now?
What can I start easing away from, so that I can stop doing it very soon?

Talk to your spouse and make decisions together about what’s best for your marriage and your family.

Maybe you’ll decide something that’s unpopular, like I did at a busy time in my life, when I determined that I could no longer teach a children’s program at my church. I struggled to make that decision, but in the end it freed up a lot of time and energy and ended up being the right decision for me and my family.

(If you find this step to be difficult, here are some additional tips for saying “no” or “not now” and for managing your family’s schedule.)

2. Take charge of your energy.

Many women regularly use up all of their energy, and still keep on going. You probably know know what that looks like if you ever:

Fall into bed at night in a complete state of exhaustion.
Find that the tiniest glitch in your plans almost sends you over the edge.
Think constantly that you’re not doing enough or being enough.
Feel stressed and “on edge” much of the time.
Walk down the hall at work with your eyes closed, because you’re just so tired. (Or was that just me…?)

If so, it’s no wonder that you’re often too tired for sex, and that it often seems like just another source of exhaustion!

The solution is to take charge of and start managing your energy. This will look a little bit different for every woman, but the key components include –

Get enough sleep – at least 7 hours a night.
Get more exercise – at least 30 minutes on at least 5 days each week.
Ditch most of the junk food, fast food, and processed food in your diet and eat more fruits, vegetables, lean protein, nuts, olive oil, and other healthy, whole foods.
Do one small thing that you enjoy for at least 15 minutes every day.
Do one bigger thing that you enjoy for at least 2 hours every week.
Learn ways to reduce your stress and anxiety.
Practice saying “no.”

(Get more ideas for maximizing and taking charge of your energy here.)

3. Remember that sex is for you too.

Women often hear – from family, friends, church, and society – that sex is primarily for men. And many women carry this belief – that sex is for their husband and not really for them – into marriage.

So, of course, sex feels like an exhausting chore! And in order to move past feeling exhausted and uninterested, you need to begin turning that idea on its head and embracing the idea that you are a sensual woman, that God created sex to be enjoyable for both you and your husband, and that you can make changes and move in the direction of a fun and pleasurable (and non-exhausting!) sex life.

This is an important topic, and it’s critical to understand that sex is for you just as much as it’s for your husband. If you tend to believe that sex is primarily for him, it may take some time and effort to start reframing your thinking. For more ideas on how to make that change, check out Dear Wife, You Deserve a Great Sex Life Too, the sex and marriage resources listed on this page, or the Boost Your Libido video course.

(And, of course, if you’re dealing with significant sex or marriage problems, please seek out professional help, because these kinds of resources won’t be sufficient.)

4. Have some fun with your spouse.

Sometimes sex feels exhausting because marriage and life in general feel exhausting. It often seems like we’re on a merry-go-round of work, chores, and responsibilities – which tend to dampen our enthusiasm for anything fun and interesting!

So try a simple antidote to the constant whirl of busyness and commitments by regularly doing something fun with your spouse.

This doesn’t have to be complicated or expensive. It can be as simple as watching movie that makes you laugh or playing a game together after the kids go to bed. Or going out for coffee or a glass of wine. Or taking a bike ride or a hike.

And once in a while it can be something more complicated or expensive, but don’t wait until you have a lot of time or money to do something fun together!

My husband and I went on a hike in a beautiful nature preserve yesterday. It was great to get out of our routine (we took a day off work!), get out into nature, and just do something fun and interesting together. And even though we’re back to the regular grind today, I feel like my head is clearer, my mood is lifted, and my appreciation of my husband and our marriage is increased.