If you’ve been married more than a few years, you’d probably love to spice up your marriage just a bit. But then you realize that the thought of pursuing a sexier and more intimate marriage just seems exhausting. And maybe a little bit daunting.
You start to think – what if I don’t know what to do? Or how to do it? And where will I find the time?
Fortunately, figuring out ways to spice up your marriage, enjoy a fun sex life, and create a more intimate marriage doesn’t have to be complicated or take a lot of time. Even the busiest wife and mom can do it.
And you can do it too, even if you feel like the spice level in your life and marriage is pretty bland!
The key is not to change a bunch of things all at once. Instead, take one small step and do one fun, sexy, or spicy thing this week. Then do another next week and another the next. Let them build up over time and become a regular part of your marriage.
Pretty soon you’ll know (and be using) a dozen different ways to spice up your marriage!
If you’re ready to give it a try, here are 18 simple ideas for adding some spice to your marriage. Give one of these, or any fun and sexy activity, a try this week. (Includes affiliate links.)
1. Take a shower together.
You don’t have to have sex in the shower, which can be kind of tricky (but you could give it a try!). Instead, just relax and enjoy the warm water and each other’s bodies. If the bathroom light feels a bit too revealing, light some candles and shower by candlelight.
2. Give him a massage.
Start at the top and work your way down. Or ask him to give you one. You don’t have to know any fancy massage techniques – the point is to relax and have fun and enjoy each other – and add a bit of spice to your marriage. Massage is easier with something that soothes and lubricates the skin. You can buy massage oil or lotion, or make a simple massage oil with coconut oil and essential oils.
3. Disconnect from your devices and social media and focus on each other.
Declare a device-free evening and spend time re-connecting after a busy day. Yes, this is hard to do when you’re busy, you have kids, and you just need a break at the end of the day. And when you’re feeling exhausted the easiest thing to do it to hop on your phone or tablet.
But it doesn’t really refresh you, and it doesn’t do anything to spice up your marriage or build your relationship with your spouse. So declare a device-free evening at least once a week, and use that time to focus on enjoying your spouse and your relationship.
4. Read a sex-positive book or blog and try one thing you learn from it.
I’ve written a number of articles on adding more fun and intimacy to your marriage, and the authors and resources listed on my Sex and Marriage Resources page share lots of fun ways to spice up your marriage. And the CalmHealthySexy shop has ebooks and other resources that are designed to help you spice up your marriage and have more fun with your husband. So check them out and find an article or book that appeals to you. Then read it and try an idea from it this week.
5. Flirt with him.
Remember the things you did when you were dating? Do those things. Wink at him from across the room. Play with his hair. Pinch his butt when he walks by. Kiss him passionately. Build him up and let him know you still think he’s special. And encourage him to do the same for you.
6. Do something unexpected.
Send the children to a friend’s or grandparent’s house for dinner, then spend a few hours together at home. Or arrange for a babysitter and book an inexpensive local hotel room. No babysitter or money? Get the kids in bed early, then watch a movie together and make out like teenagers. It’s not so much the specific thing you do, but the fact that it’s different, that makes it fun and exciting.
7. Make love somewhere other than your bedroom.
The living room? The guest room? The family room? A blanket on your bedroom floor? Sometimes all you need is just a slightly different location! Or start making out in another room, then move to your bedroom to ramp things up.
8. Have sex at a different time of day.
Variety adds interest and spice to your marriage, and the variety you add can be as simple as changing the time when you have sex. If you usually fall into bed at night (tired, worn out!) and then try to drum up some enthusiasm, switch up the time every now and then. Try it one morning or after a Sunday afternoon nap, for example. Or any time your kids are asleep or you have the house to yourselves.
9. Try a new position. Or a gadget.
It might be exciting, or it may not work out very well. Either way, have fun with it and enjoy your time together. Check out the Christian Nymphos position page or the Christian-Friendly Sex Positions Cards for ideas. Or try a vibrator or other fun gadget from a marriage-friendly store like Married Dance.
10. Change the tempo of your lovemaking.
If things usually move along quickly, slow the pace and enjoy every touch and movement. If your lovemaking is usually slow and deliberate, pick up the pace and try a “hot and heavy/let me rip your clothes off” approach!
11. Spice up your language.
Say some things to your husband that stretch your sexual language “comfort zone.” This is hard for many women, but even slightly more risque communication about sex can boost your interest and give him a real thrill.
12. Send your husband some sexy texts or emails.
If spicing up your language is too hard (and it can feel very intimidating), write something spicy instead. If you’re like me, it’s a whole lot easier to write something that’s out of your comfort zone than it is to say it out loud!
13. Wear something that makes you feel confident and sexy.
If that seems hard for you (and I think it does for most women!), check out some of my ideas for boosting your sexual confidence and feeling sexy. Or experiment with scents or essential oils that are known for boosting sensuality, such as ylang ylang or a sensuous floral blend.
14. Explore something you think will help you feel sexy, but that you haven’t tried yet.
For example, I’m intrigued by the possibilities of corsets! I’ve never owned one or even tried one on, but I’m giving a corset serious consideration. Also aprons – those sheer or lacy vintage half-aprons that tie at the waist. Or really sexy high heels or jewelry. Anything that’s different for you and would help you feel sexy is great.
15. Plan a date that facilitates sex and intimacy.
Some dates don’t facilitate sex and intimacy; for example, a heavy restaurant meal at 9:00 pm is going to put most of us to sleep, not get us in the mood for something spicy! So plan a date that leaves both of you feeling relaxed, refreshed and in the mood.
16. Play a sexy game.
Try either an intimate game for couples or just a sexy version of a regular game (Twister, poker!).
17. Do something you did early in your marriage, but haven’t done for a while.
Think back to the early days of your relationship or marriage. What did you do then that you don’t do now? What added fun, novelty or excitement to your relationship? Pick one of those things and do it now.
18. Pack a picnic lunch or dinner with bite-size foods.
Plan a simple picnic for two and pack bite-size foods such as strawberries, grapes, cubes of cheese, small sandwiches and tiny cakes. Head to a secluded area of a park or other outdoor location and spread out your blanket, then feed each other bites. Let it be a sensuous activity that leads to other sensuous activities! (But head home before making love! You don’t want to do that in public!)
(This post is intended to offer ideas and encouragement to women in generally healthy marriages. If you are in a difficult marriage, these ideas won’t be helpful. If that’s the case, please seek professional counseling help to address the issues you’re facing.)
Are you looking for more ways to boost sex, romance and intimacy in your marriage? If so, check out my new ebook – Breathe. Relax. Enjoy. It’s a simple, practical guide that will help you learn to use essential oils to increase sensuality and romance in your life. And it’s written specifically for busy wives and moms – women who don’t have much time and energy but want to feel sexier and enjoy sex more. Use the code FRIEND25 at checkout to save 25% off.
Looking for more in-depth information on ways to boost your libido, feel sexier and spice up your marriage? Check out this 10-video Boost Your Libido ecourse by sex and marriage author Sheila Wray Gregoire. It’s packed with sound information and simple tips to help you find your libido if it seems to be hiding!