Some people say knowledge is power. Do you believe it? I do – at least when it comes to building sexual confidence and increasing intimacy in marriage. Of course, knowledge and information aren’t everything. It’s entirely possible to know a great deal about sex and intimacy, yet never experience a fun, exciting, sexy and intimate marriage. Still, I fall into the camp that believes the more you know the better.For example, since I began reading more about marriage, intimacy and sexuality, I’ve learned a number of things that have made a difference in my marriage. Here are just three:
- Women’s interest in sex is often responsive rather than automatic. Wow, when I finally understood that it really opened my eyes. So, if I don’t respond and react sexually the same way my husband does, there isn’t anything wrong with me? That’s perfectly normal? What a revelation. Understanding that one fact can make so much difference. For example, you and I don’t always have to be “in the mood” the same way our husbands are “in the mood.” If we just decide to adopt a positive mindset and go with the flow, we often get in the mood as things progress, and end up having a great time!
- Women who think they’ve lost their libido, or believe they never had one, often find that it’s been buried under a lot of other stuff. It’s entirely possible for a woman to lose track of the fact that she’s a sexual being. The things that can cause that to happen vary widely, from simple fatigue to stress to childhood abuse to marriage problems. But the reality is that it’s there, and in most cases she can uncover it.
- Women generally respond sexually to male qualities and characteristics. You’reprobably thinking, “Duh, everybody knows that.” But really, do they? Our culture teaches that men and women are basically the same, that they respond sexually to the same things, and that typical male characteristics are problematic and need to be suppressed. But the things that make our husbands men are the things that attracted us to them in the first place. When those things get pushed to the side, attraction can wane. When we embrace them, it can grow.
Again, these are just brief examples of knowledge and information that can help women feel more confident in their sexuality. These examples may not help you, but other information might. If you think that learning more about sexuality or intimacy in marriage could help you build sexual confidence, here are several ideas for getting started:
- Read and interact with blogs that promote sex in marriage. Read the great information they share, but also interact with the authors and other readers. Comment on posts, respond to others’ comments, ask questions, and offer your own ideas. Many great blogs provide this opportunity, including To Love, Honor and Vacuum, The Generous Wife, Hot, Holy and Humorous, Intimacy in Marriage and Pearl’s Oyster Bed (which focuses on low libido in women).
- Read books that provide positive, helpful information about women’s sexuality. Examples include The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and 31 Days to Great Sex, both by Sheila Wray Gregoire, Sheet Music by Kevin Leman, and A Celebration of Sex by Douglas Rosenau.
- Talk about what you’re learning with your husband. Conversations about sex can be difficult, but just sharing something you’ve read can make it easier to get started. Tell him an interesting fact you learned or something that surprised you. Ask a question to get his take on something you read. If you’re not ready to have a conversation with your husband, discuss what you’re learning with a close friend.
(Check out the other posts in this series – Building Sexual Confidence through Physical Confidence and Building Sexual Confidence Through Action.)What do you think? Can increasing your knowledge about sex and intimacy help you build sexual confidence? Has it worked for you and, if so, what ideas or resources do you recommend? Please share your ideas in the Comments – I would love to hear from you. I also would love for you to subscribe to CalmHealthySexy by email. Enter your email address in the sidebar (under Subscribe to CalmHealthySexy). You’ll receive an email when I publish a new post, nothing else. Thanks. Gaye
reflectionsintheskye says
I have been married less than 7 months. As a young christian wife, the world of marriage blogs has been a huge blessing. It has also made my time on pinterest more productive and spiritually fortifying, which may be vindication for the time I spend there. However, I was interested in the blog you mentioned: Hot Holy and Humorous, but it said I needed to be invited. How can I contact the blogger?
Thank you, both for taking the pressure off of trying all 12 steps at once, and for not only encouraging but recommending resources for increasing knowledge in intimacy and sex. My husband is paraplegic and it was an area that I was really nervous about before getting married. As it is, we are still learning about each other and ourselves. But that challenge is part of the adventure.
GC says
Hi relectionsintheskye – Welcome and thanks so much for stopping by. The blog Hot, Holy and Humorous is a wonderful resource for wives (and husbands). I’m not sure about the message that you received, but you don’t have to be invited to participate in the blog. You should just be able to go to http://hotholyhumorous.com/ and start reading. If you can’t for some reason, let me know and I will contact the blogger for you. You can find some other great resources here too – Sex and Marriage Resources.
I encourage you as a newlywed to learn and grow with your husband and to keep communication open between you. You definitely don’t have to know or try everything within the first few months or even first few years. The more you can learn and understand about yourself and him, and talk about the things you’re learning, the better sex and intimacy (and your whole marriage) will be.
Blessings,
Gaye
Kelly @ Exceptionalistic says
Thank you Gaye for sharing. I must have missed this one. Great post full of information that all women should read. It’s so important to know that open communication is key in a sexual relationship!
GC says
Thank you, Kelly.
Gaye
'Becca says
Those first two points are really important! Most women are natural multitaskers, but our multiple trains of thought affect one another, and it can be difficult to stop all of them but the sexy one in order to focus.
A book that’s been very helpful to me is The Hite Report on Male Sexuality. It is a gigantic compilation of the results from a lengthy survey of lots of men. Most of the book is direct quotes from the men. It is really helpful as a contrast to a lot of books and magazines that say, “Men like this; men want you to do that.” because it shows the diversity of men’s attitudes toward sex and helps you think about what your particular man might feel. (It also makes me feel grateful about some of the attitudes I do NOT experience from my man!) It can be a great discussion starter.
GC says
Hi Becca – I like the first two points too. In my mind, understanding both of those ideas can make a world of difference for a lot of women.
Thanks so much for stopping by.
Gaye
Deirdre says
All these points are so well made- especially the first! Thanks for sharing on ladies holiday photo Friday. Cheers!
GC says
Thanks so much, Deirdre.
Gaye
Adam's Eve says
Can increasing your knowledge about sex and intimacy help you build sexual confidence? Absolutely, but I’m a firm believer that experience is the best teacher. ! I was one of those wives who learned everything on the go and had to learn most of it on my own initially. I remember searching for Christian marital sex advice on the Internet and reading books and being very confused, but hopeful. I actually discovered I have way more of a libido than I thought I did and it’s been a wonderful blessing in our marriage. My husband and I regularly talk about our sex life: what’s working, what we’d like to improve on, how to build on what already is amazing, what we’re comfortable and uncomfortable with, and how to relax/foreplay. Experience with my husband is the best teacher because I don’t know if something will feel good or right until I try. But prayer and communicating with him are close seconds to the best way to learn about sex and improve our sex life. I also advocate regularly praying about your sex life, with and without your husband. God created married couples to have sex. He cares more than you think.
GC says
Hi Hannah – I agree that we have to experience things to grow in sex and intimacy. When I wrote this I was thinking of women who may be struggling in areas related to their sexuality and might get a boost or some encouragement from learning something new and then applying it. But open communication with your spouse and trying new things together are certainly ideal.
Thanks so much for stopping by.
Gaye