I usually talk to wives and encourage them to make changes that will help them feel confident, feel sexy, enjoy intimacy and prioritize their marriages. Today, though, I’m talking to husbands and encouraging them to make changes and take steps that will help their wives in these areas. Ladies, if you think that your husband would benefit from this article, I’d love for you to share it with him. Gentlemen, I hope the article will give you some ideas and inspiration to help your wife feel sexy again. If it does, please share it with other men who may need some encouragement too.
Does your wife seem more hesitant and less enthusiastic about sex than she used to be? Does it seem like her confidence in her body has plummeted? Do you sometimes wonder if she thinks about sex at all?
If so, it may be that she doesn’t feel sexy anymore. And although you may think she’s as hot as the day you met her, she may not feel that way at all.
In fact, she probably doesn’t feel that way, because it’s surprisingly easy for a woman to lose touch with her sensual side and believe she’s no longer sexy. It can happen to any woman, almost before she realizes what’s happening, even if she very much wants it not to happen.
If you’re like most men, you simply can’t understand how this is possible. The average husband can’t fathom how the woman he loves, the one he considers incredibly sexy – the one he could make love to every day of the week – could feel completely unsexy and lose interest in sex.
It’s so far out of his frame of reference, he really doesn’t have a way to process it.
And very often, he’s not the only one. Wives who have loved sex and embraced their sensual side for years can suddenly realize that they feel about as sexy as an old flannel nightgown. Unfortunately, I know this all too well. During 30 years of marriage I’ve experienced this phenomenon more than once, sometimes for an uncomfortably long period of time.
For years I didn’t understand it, couldn’t explain it, and didn’t know how to deal with it. I thought there was something wrong with me.
And I’m not alone. I hear from women who read this blog and from friends who write about sex and marriage that many wives are struggling to understand what’s going on in their minds and bodies and to figure out how to deal with it.
From my own experience and from reading and talking with others, I’ve learned some things about the reasons women lose touch with their sensual side. Any one of these things can dampen a woman’s ability to feel sexy and enjoy sex and intimacy. And if your wife is experiencing two or three of them, it’s possible for her to lose touch with her sensual side completely. That’s the bad news.
The good news is – you can help your wife feel sexy again, and help her get in touch with her sensual side. You can’t do it all – we can’t change other people, and she’ll need to take steps too – but you can do a lot. Here are 5 reasons women stop feeling sexy, and 5 ways you can help your wife feel sexy again:
As couples fall into the pattern of packing their schedules with responsibilities and activities, they tend to spend less time really communicating. While talking used to mean “sharing our thoughts and feelings with each other,” it often becomes little more than “who’s going to do what, when and how?”
For many women, this leaves them feeling unheard and disconnected from their husbands, which dampens their enthusiasm for feeling sexy and enjoying sex.
Talk about it. Make time to talk more in general, but also open a conversation about what’s going on sexually with her and in your marriage. Talk honestly about what you’re seeing and how you’re feeling, and encourage her to do the same. More than likely, everything won’t be addressed after one conversation, so plan to keep it going.
Make sure the tone is open, honest, and encouraging. Let her know that you want to work together on anything and everything that will strengthen your marriage and increase intimacy between the two of you.
And make it clear that this is about both of you. As life becomes exhausting, wives can begin to believe that sex is primarily about their husbands and not very much about themselves. It can deteriorate pretty quickly into nothing more than “meeting his needs and moving on to the next item on my ‘to do’ list.”
Believe me, that frame of mind will drain a woman’s sexual energy and interest in the blink of an eye. So make sure your wife understands that this is about both of you. Show her by your words and actions that your goal is both of you enjoying sex and building intimacy in your marriage.
Our culture creates an image of a “sexy woman” that bears no resemblance whatsoever to the average married woman. Most wives are not 20 years old, tall, thin, busty and blonde, so at some level they internalize the belief that they’re not sexy. Add in a couple of pregnancies or some extra pounds, and the possibility of ever again feeling like a sensual woman seems like a distant dream.
Even if a woman’s husband finds her incredibly sexy and tells her so frequently, she’s likely to have trouble believing it. The messages all around her that say otherwise are just too strong to ignore.
Share what sexy means to you, and let her know you think she’s sexy. Women tend to measure their own sexuality by the way they view their body and appearance. But many men see more than physical appearance, especially when it comes to the woman they love.
I know many husbands who consider their wives’ confidence, strength, accomplishments, love, and concern for others to be incredibly sexy. They think their wives are sexier after 10, 20 or 30 years of marriage than they were on the day they met.
So tell your wife what sexy means to you, and let her know by your words and actions that you think she’s hot. She may not believe you, but keep saying it and showing it. And make sure she knows that you value and want all of her, not just her sexy side.
Natural hormone changes over a woman’s life can cause fluctuations in sexual interest and energy. Hormones in medications, including birth control pills and other hormonal contraceptives, can exert a similar effect in some women. But many women don’t know that. I wish I had realized years ago how much birth control pills were depleting my interest in sex; it could have prevented a lot of frustration and stress.
Learn, talk, and take a proactive approach to health and wellness. Do some research and talk about what you learn. Does your wife tend to have difficult menstrual cycles? Can she trace a lack of sexual energy to starting hormonal contraceptives? Has pregnancy or another life change wreaked havoc with her body?
The answers to those questions (and others) could indicate that hormones are affecting her ability to feel sexy. If they are, an honest talk with her doctor may be in order. In the meantime, work together on things that can improve hormone balance and overall health for both of you – eat a clean diet, exercise regularly, maintain a healthy weight, sleep 7 to 8 hours a night, and take time to relax and enjoy each other.
We live in an age of sexual information, and most of us probably assume we know everything we need to know about sex. That’s what I thought, but I was wrong.
For example, I didn’t understand the ways women’s and men’s sexual responses offer differ, or realize that men’s sexuality is often assumed to be the “gold standard.”
So, because I didn’t respond like my husband, I thought there was something wrong with me. Nope, nothing wrong. As I eventually figured out, my response was typical and completely within the normal range for women. But if a woman thinks that something is wrong with her sexually, she’s going to find it harder and harder to feel sexy.
First, understand and appreciate your differences. Don’t be stupid like I was. Make sure you understand the typical differences between men and women when it comes to sex, and act accordingly. Treat her like a woman, and don’t act like there’s something wrong if her sexual response isn’t the same as yours. Do some reading about it, and share what you learn.
Second, embrace your own masculinity and sexuality. This may seem like an odd “solution,” but it really isn’t. Your wife’s attraction to you plays a role in her sensuality and sexual energy, and your masculinity and sexuality are part of what attracted her to you in the first place.
So don’t be ashamed of them or feel like you have to tamp them down. Instead, accept them and live them confidently. Few things can draw out a woman’s sexuality the way a sexy, confident man who loves her and cares for her can. And if you know that certain issues in your life are diminishing your sexual energy or attractiveness to her, deal with them
Feeling sexy and enjoying sex and intimacy is difficult for many women, but it’s not impossible. Although the conventional wisdom says that women feel less sexy and enjoy sex less over time, many women are proving the conventional wisdom wrong.
Sexual interest and energy often increase during marriage, with women who’ve been married 20, 30 or more years feeling as sexy as they’ve ever felt. If your wife has lost touch with her sexy side, there’s hope. And you can play a key role in helping her find it again.
(This article focuses on everyday things that can cause a woman to lose touch with her sexuality. Many more serious issues, such as previous sexual abuse, depression, medication side effects, and serious marriage problems, can cause significant damage to a woman’s sexuality, and need to be addressed with the help of medical or counseling professionals.)
Check out our Guide to Using Essential Oils in the Bedroom and other marriage resources for wives in the CalmHealthySexy shop.
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Is your wife looking for more in-depth information on how to feel sexy and enjoy sex and intimacy? Check out this 10-video Boost Your Libido ecourse that’s packed with great information and resources (affiliate link). Although it’s geared toward wives, it includes lots of helpful information that can help husbands understand libido in women.
This article also was published at The Good Men Project.
Cassie from True Agape says
This is such a good read not just for men but for women. Thanks for making everyone feel good through this article.
Thanks so much, Cassie.
I agree with most of what you say here, my wife and I have one night a week where we shut the door, leave the children and talk openly and honestly about the way we feel. I knew I was not the man she married, I was strong, confident, appreciative, fit etc. I let it lapse. When it almost came crashing down I read the mindful attraction plan book, Men are from Mars, and several others like it and started paying attention to myself and how I appeared to her. Being a man, realising that although we are equal, we are not the same helps. I am the man and she is my woman. Sometimes she is my girl, who wants to be held and to feel safe and protected. Complimenting her, touching her. Small things make such a difference. I am sure I am not the only man not to understand why buying her flowers, randomly, not just for special occasions, seems to really lift her mood and feel that we are thinking of them. I don’t know why this small gesture seems like such a big thing for her, but it really works for me. Thank you for your article.
Thanks Lion, for sharing your experience. I’m so glad that you found steps to take that worked for you and your wife. Sometimes we really do need to work on ourselves first before we can make changes in our marriages. I’ve read The Mindful Attraction Plan too, and I think there is some good information in it. That’s one reason I mentioned being strong and confident in yourself and your own masculinity – sometimes that may be the very thing a marriage needs.
Angela @ Setting My Intention says
I think communication is the biggest struggle right now for us. you wouldn’t think it necessary to be intentional about talking to one another without the distraction of children or devices, but it turns out it is necessary! congratulations on being published on The Good Men Project too!
Hi Angela – Yes, I can definitely relate to having to be intentional about talking. It seems kind of crazy, but is very necessary!
I just wish my wife would actually care enough to read an article about improving our relationship…. I would be ecstatic if she sent me something like this. When I send it it is only viewed as criticism.
Hi John – I am very sorry. That is a very tough situation to be in. As much as we would like to change others, we can only change ourselves. And that can be very, very frustrating.
Thank you Gaye for the wonderful article and thank you John for sharing. I want you to know that I was exactly where your wife is now. I didn’t undertstand the importance of this even when my husband was clearly communicating it to me. I hope you get through it, just keep trying and talking to her and I’m sure things will work out.
I want you to know that you inspired me to share this article with my husband just so he knows at least that he is heard and that I’m taking it seriously. This article is very helpful for him to understand what I’m gong through in my mind as well. I’m a working mom and feeling sexy has not been a priority for me for quite a while and I just thought that he was being demanding and didn’t understand but now I realize how hard he’s been trying. That when he tells me he thinks I look beautiful and that I’m crazy when I constantly put myself down is not just BS, he really means it.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you so much, Maria. I really appreciate your comment and am thrilled to know that the article has been helpful to you. Yes, busy moms who work outside the home are pulled in a lot of different directions. We really have to be intentional about feeling sexy and prioritizing sex and intimacy in our marriages. It’s hard!
Stefani @ The Crafty Christian says
There is a lot of wisdom in this post, thanks for sharing! I have struggled with this a lot, and while we can’t always know all of what’s causing something, I know that at least a big part of the loss of my drive is due to my thyroid problems, which causes the hormones to go crazy. Unfortunately it takes a while to get back on track, but I’m looking forward to that time!
Thanks Stefani. I’m sure that thyroid problems can really knock things out of whack. I hope you can get them straightened out soon.
Keelie Reason says
Love what you have to say. 🙂 I always gain insight from you.
Thank you so much, Keelie. I really appreciate it.
Crystal From Tidbits of Experience says
These are amazing tips for husbands. Most men do not realize how all of these factors can make a positive difference. Thank you for taking the time to help couples out with these tips.
Thank you, Crystal. I’m so happy you think they are helpful.