Is your marriage something that brings joy and companionship into your life? Or is it just another item on your “to do” list? I ask this because I read an article this week which suggests that, for many women, marriage is the latter. It’s the thing that makes them “time starved,” that keeps them from doing the things they really need and want to do. The article reports on a survey of “breadwinner moms,” women who make about as much as or more than their husbands (apparently, that’s now 49% of women in the US who work outside the home). According to the article, the survey found that, for these women, “marriage becomes just one more item… where they aren’t spending enough time and focus.” The article makes clear that it’s not kids who are the problem, but husbands. The author even suggests that being a divorced parent is the best way to raise children, because you don’t have a husband getting in your way and taking up your valuable time.
Really? Marriage is such a drain on women’s time and energy that it’s better for them to be divorced and raising their children alone? Come on, that can’t possibly be true. If you’re married to a good man, your marriage should be a source of happiness, support, and shared goals. It shouldn’t be another item on your “to do” list – something you have to deal with and then move on. It should be a pleasure (most of the time), not a chore.
Listen, I know that finding joy in marriage isn’t always easy. I work full time outside the home. I know what it’s like to try to balance marriage, kids, work, and life. Has my “plate” ever been too full? Yes. Has my husband ever irritated me? Yes. (Pretty sure I’ve irritated him more.) Have I ever felt like marriage is just one more thing for me to juggle? Yes. Have I ever longed for peace, quiet and time to myself? Yes. Have I ever thought I would be better off raising my kids alone, with marriage removed from my “to do” list? No, not in a million years.
If you’re like me and have sometimes allowed your marriage to end up on your “to do” list, here are some ideas for helping it to become a source of joy instead:
- Make it a priority. Decide that your relationship with your husband is more important than your job, your friendships, your children’s activities, and your other commitments. That doesn’t mean you won’t devote time and energy to those things (and sometimes they’ll take a lot of time and energy), but it means that they shouldn’t take everything you have to give, and then some. Save some of your best time and energy for your marriage.
- Control your schedule and your children’s schedules. Most families do too much. The children participate in too many activities, and the parents commit to too many responsibilities. Many of those activities and responsibilities are optional, but people treat them as if they’re required. If you’re yearning for a break, some down time, or a shorter “to do” list, maybe it’s your schedule, not your marriage, that’s the problem. Consider reigning in your schedule and focusing on the things that are really important to you.
- Communicate with your husband. If you feel overwhelmed and exhausted most of the time, something needs to change. Talk with your husband about the things that are wearing you down. Ask for his input and help. Sometimes women don’t say directly what they need (and, to be fair, sometimes men don’t hear it or act on it). I had to learn this skill, because it doesn’t come naturally to me. So open a conversation about what’s going on in your family and your marriage, and practice asking for what you need.
- Let him do things his way. If you ask for help and your husband gives it, let him do it his way. The clothes don’t have to be folded perfectly, and the dishwasher doesn’t have to be loaded in a certain way. The kids don’t have to be dressed in exactly the right clothes, and the errands don’t have to be tackled in a certain order. I like for things to be done my way, but since I want to maintain my sanity I don’t insist on it. My husband washes and dries the laundry, for example, but then he leaves it in the baskets for quite a while. Fine – I’m not complaining. If I need a clean pair of jeans, I’d rather dig them out of a basket than add another task to my list by taking on the laundry.
- Remember that your husband is your man, not one of your kids. People tend to live up to our expectations of them. If you treat your husband like a child, he’ll probably act like one. And clearly, if he’s acting like a child, the burden on you to get things done is going to be greater. So treat him like a man, your man, even if he doesn’t always act like one. For example, let him be the kids’ dad – don’t insist that he do things the “mom way.” Let him do for himself the things adults typically do for themselves, even if it takes him a while to get around to them. And let him do things for you. If he’s gotten out of that habit, ask him to do things for you. Then let him do them his way.
I’d love to know what you think about this. Does your marriage seem like just one more item on your “to do” list? Or have you figured out a way to enjoy it while keeping your “to do” list (somewhat) under control? Please share your thoughts in the Comments – I would love to hear from you.
Sharing with To Love, Honor and Vacuum, Family Fun Friday and Messy Marriage.
Brittany at EquippingGodlyWomen.com says
I clicked through to the article you linked to because I thought–surely she didn’t really say that–that it’s better to be divorced! And yes, she definitely just did. wow. I guess that’s what happens when you marry the wrong guy or can’t figure out how to make it work? I can see how some marriages might seem like more trouble than their worth. If you can create a great one though–that’s where it’s at! 🙂
GC says
Hi Brittany – I know – I could hardly believe it when I first read that article. I’m with you – putting the effort into creating a great marriage is where it’s at!
Gaye
vincent says
It is unfortunate that some couples are enduring their marriage instead of enjoying it. It is when couples are enduring their marriage that they see it as a task. Couples should be the best of friends, they should learn to be intimate with each other and that will cause their love life to grow.
Moreover, it is equally unfortunate that some whose marriages were failure tend to misguide others into having failed marriages. If not, how can some suggest that being a single parent is the best way to raise kids? If couples could endeavor and ensure that their love stays alive, they will enjoy their marriages better. They should equally ensure that they never do anything that could make their love for each other get sour, it is when love gets sour that it become boring and therefore a task..
GC says
Hi Vincent – Yes, it’s unfortunate when people in struggling marriages provide marriage “advice,” either by word or action, to other married couples. That can result in a lot of unhappiness being spread around.
Gaye
fail better (@unnameab73) says
“The author even suggests that being a divorced parent is the best way to raise children, because you don’t have a husband getting in your way and taking up your valuable time.”
A lot of women think like that here (UK) too. I can see the sense in it — a lot of men are overgrown spoilt children. Your piece might be better aimed at the men. OTOH strangest thing I see more of is men (and I don’t mean middle-class intellectuals) pushing around pushchairs.
Committing to stay together and be a real team is important. The woman doesn’t make that happen by becoming a doormat.
David
GC says
Hi David – I agree that team work and commitment are key. And you’re right, that never happens by the woman becoming a doormat.
Thanks so much for stopping by.
Gaye
Carrie Groneman says
I LOVE this post Gaye and one like what I’ve been working on. You are so eloquent and this is written very well; I thank you for addressing this very important topic. Great job! Carrie, A Mother’s Shadow
GC says
Thanks so much, Carrie. I really appreciate your kind words and support.
Gaye
messymarriage says
I agree, Gaye, that being a single parent is definitely not easier than being a parent in a healthy and thriving marriage. I do think that if the marriage is very contentious or boundaries are continually broken, that this could cause more stress and a feeling of “obligation” than being divorced would. But even then, if you have a contentious spouse and you divorce them, they now don’t have to do a single thing you say–especially regarding the kids! It can be downright scary sometimes!
But aside from that, this is so practical and relevant for the majority of married people. I wanted to pick one of the tips as a favorite, but they are all so good that I couldn’t choose! Great wisdom, my friend! And I’ll be sharing!
GC says
Thanks so much, Beth.
Gaye
Ugochi says
Just like you Gayle, I refuse this perspective. I have learnt to enjoy my marriage on purpose as I work hard to keep stress level very low.
Thanks for this post, have a super blessed day!
Love
GC says
Thanks so much, Ugochi. Yes, it is really a decision about how we are going to view our marriages, then acting accordingly.
Thanks for stopping by. Have a great weekend.
Gaye
Aimee Imbeau says
Great points. I am thankful I learned early on in my marriage to not get into a huff if hubby didn’t fold the towels the ‘right’ way. Who really cares anyway? It’s not like the towel police are going to come knocking on my door! And now I have a man who does the laundry all the time – he works from home (as do I) and he has a bit more free time than I do (I also home educate our children). I appreciate all that he does and I tell him so – and I brag to others about him.
“Remember that your husband is your man, not one of your kids.” THANK YOU!! That is one of my biggest pet peeves – when I hear a woman talking to her husband as though he is a child. It really is annoying. And embarrassing.
GC says
Thank you, Aimee. Yes, I am all about letting him do it his way. And no, the “towel police” will not come knocking, so let him fold away!
Yes, seeing a woman treat her husband like a child is a pet peeve of mine too. I really hate to see that happen.
Thanks so much for stopping by. Have a great weekend.
Gaye
elovesc34 says
“Let him do things his way. ”
“Remember that your husband is your man, not one of your kids.”
Gaye, thank you for being another voice of reason. I dearly love my bride but her insistence of me doing cleaning chores in the house in a particular way have driven me to make sure I always have something that needs doing outside.
GC says
Yes, I know the feeling. But I have selfishly realized that it works out better for me if I let it go and let him do it his way!
El Fury says
Control your schedule! Don’t become an eternal chauffeur for your kids. You don’t need to be so protective of them… let them ride their bikes to their activities.
GC says
Agree – the whole “kids activities and constantly chauffeuring them everywhere” has really taken a toll on husbands and wives time for each other and for themselves.
Maile says
Wonderful article … Viewing from a husband’s side is indeed necessary to get the whole picture.
I’m a stay home mom, I homeschool our children, I cook & clean & care for our home and our family, as well as shuttle our children to any/all activities. I also am an entrepreneur and run my own skin care business (products I created myself) from home. Yes, life gets Chaotic – but without my husband I don’t know what I’d do. He works hard, is only home a couple days a week, but we are on the phone with one another always – that connection keeps us going. We know instantly when the other is in need of a lift or to vent or just needs to hear “I love you”.
No – my marriage isn’t on my to do list – my marriage is my top priority.
GC says
You are a wise woman! It sounds like you are incredibly busy and accomplished, but have your priorities in the right order.
Thanks so much for stopping by.
Gaye
Andrew Budek-Schmeisser says
It’s hard to believe that someone would say that being a single parent is the best way to raise kids…maybe for someone who puts his or her agenda first, but it takes away the example of cooperation that’s so necessary (among other things).
When I became to ill to be in the workforce, my wife became the breadwinner. In the beginning it worked well, but lately, not so much. She’s very ‘up’ on talking about her work and her day, but I can’t recall the last time she asked what I did (I write – it’s all I can still do). Last time I tried to tell her she didn’t try to disguise her impatience, and I learned from that.
So I listen, and I’m as supportive as possible. That’s my duty…and sometimes duty dominates.
GC says
Hi Andrew – Your situation is very difficult. I am praying for you and your wife.
Gaye