I’m happy to welcome Keelie Reason to CalmHealthySexy today. She writes Love Hope Adventure, a wonderful and encouraging marriage blog, while balancing her roles as a wife and mom. Because she’s busy raising a young family, she has a first-hand perspective on intimacy and marriage that I don’t have (my children are older). So I asked her to share some strategies that can help moms of young kids find time, energy and enthusiasm for feeling sexy and enjoying sex and intimacy in their marriages.
As the mom of three young boys, on any given day I have cleaned up innumerable messes and cooked enough food for an army. I have dealt with multiple bodily fluids that are not my own. I have reminded my kids a hundred times to stop it, broken up countless fights, and completed a laundry list of other totally non-sexy things. (Does this sound familiar?) So, how in the world do I get into the bedroom at night and stand any chance at all of feeling sexy?
I’m convinced that busy moms can feel sensual and enjoy sex, even if they’ve been busy with kid “stuff” all day, but it does take a little bit of thought and preparation. I have some strategies that work for me, and I believe they can work for you too. Here are seven of them:
- Tell yourself that you are sexy. Sexiness starts in the mind. I know it might seem a bit awkward or even prideful to say, “I am sexy,” but there’s nothing wrong with stating the truth. You are a sensual woman, created by God with a tremendous capacity for feeling sensual and enjoying intimacy. But tapping into that capacity sometimes takes some work. We have a saying around here, “Fake it, ‘til you make it.” By that, I mean, continually tell yourself that you are sexy until you believe it. Stop thinking negatively about yourself, and stop using negative words to describe yourself. Instead, use positive ones.
- Get naked in front of the mirror regularly. Yes, stand in front of your mirror without your clothes on. Regularly. I know that’s probably the last thing you want to do, but it’s important to accept the way your body looks. And it’s important that you see yourself naked and say the words, “I am sexy.” This will help train your brain to equate sexiness with your body. (If this seems too hard, ease into it by looking at yourself in the mirror in less clothing than you normally wear, then less and less over time.) After you’ve gotten comfortable looking at yourself, spend time in front of the mirror with your spouse. Seeing yourself partially or fully unclothed with your spouse will add to how sexy you feel about yourself. (And, more than likely, he already thinks you look sexy!)
- Name at least three things you like about your body. I find it so discouraging that many women struggle to list even one thing they like about themselves. And when pressed to come up with one, most women never name a body part. So while you’re standing in front of the mirror, intentionally find parts of your body that you like. Often, we look at our bodies so critically, we miss out on the incredible gift God has given us.
- Learn to love the parts of your body you don’t like. All of those parts of your body that you find flawed, learn to love them. One area at a time, determine to change your negative thoughts about them. This year, I’m celebrating my stomach as the area I feel most negative about. Instead of trying to hide that I even have a stomach, I’m finding ways to embrace the way it looks.
- Limit your influences. Every day, we’re bombarded with images of picture perfect women. (Even though most of those photos have been altered.) Because of those images, it can be easy to conclude that only one kind of body looks sexy. So do the best you can to limit what you see. I stopped reading beauty magazines a long time ago for this very reason. When I would look at all the models, I would walk away feeling terrible about myself.
- Initiate sex with your spouse. Initiating sex can have many benefits – one of the biggest is that it can boost your confidence. In fact, initiating can even make you feel a bit powerful! And here’s the thing about confidence – it’s sexy. Think about it – the people we think of as sexy aren’t necessarily the most beautiful or handsome, but they’re always people we perceive as confident.
- Make at least one healthy choice every day. Regardless of your time constraints, you can find a way to do something good for yourself every day. Maybe you can take time to eat at least one healthy meal, go for a walk with your kids, stretch, take a nap or take 15 minutes to relax and unwind. Making healthy choices will help you feel better and feel more confident about your body. You don’t have to spend an hour at the gym or eat salads from the time you get up to the time you go to bed! Just make it a priority to do at least one good thing for your body every day.
These are some of the ways busy wives and moms can feel sexy, even when they’re busy raising kids. No matter what shape your body has taken now, you are attractive and you can feel sexy – and I encourage you to recognize and embrace that truth!
Keelie is married to her high school sweetheart and is the mom of three awesome boys. She is a creator and loves sharing with the world around her. One of her biggest passions is to help married couples fall deeper in love with one another. You can read her marriage tips at Love Hope Adventure.
Bam16 says
It is interesting to me as a man that so many wives find it hard to feel comfortable doing something like look at themselves naked in front of their husbands (or even other more intimate things). I can’t speak for all men, but I’d have to say that I think most of us would find great pleasure in our wives wanting us to look at them naked. Personally I love it when we leave the lights on during sex so I can actually see things. I can’t imagine not enjoying my wife asking me to look at her body. That would be pretty awesome, actually, and a big turn on. Guys are adventurists and visual. We love new things and especially if those things including our wives being naked. Maybe there are guys out there who aren’t like this, but I’d say it’s not normal. I think it’s more likely that we think our wives would think we are weird if we told them all the things we think about or would like to do with them. At least In the past (and still some now) that has been my struggle. So my advice is don’t be shy with your husband. He will probably really enjoy whatever wild or different thing you want to do or try. He probably won’t even see it as being weird or wild.
GC says
Yes, it’s hard to understand how many wives and husbands can see this so differently. But I know it’s true that many women feel very self-conscious about their bodies, even with their husbands. I think the key is for both spouses to really say what they are feeling and really try to hear what the other is feeling, and then work on finding some common ground.
Thanks for stopping by.
Gaye
Wishful says
Great article Gail and Keelie! Oh if only it were that easy. Or if I’d read this years ago. I recently turned 40 and I’m having a hard time not feeling like I’m “all washed up”.
Though, if I absolutely had to pick a part of my body to like, I have pretty awesome hair. 🙂
I used to like that I had long, shapely legs, but I recently learned that men actually prefer short legs with thick thighs. Alas, those beauty magazines! It is good advice to stay away from them (and countless online articles about what we should look like.)
Not sure if I can do your mirror trick, and I’d feel pretty funny asking my husband to look at me naked on purpose, especially in front of the mirror. Yikes!
One thing I disagree with is the confidence is sexy thing. I really think people get that backwards. See, sexy people are confident, so it SEEMS like confidence is sexy, when it really has nothing to do with it – I think it is very much the other way around. I would find it hard to feign confidence when I know I don’t fit the standard of sexy. Does that make sense? It does in my mind, but not sure if I communicated it clearly.
Anyhow, great tips! I will try to follow a couple of them and see where it leads us. Thanks!
GC says
Hi Wishful – I think that having awesome hair and long, shapely legs sounds fantastic! But I agree with you that it is hard to feel sexy, or even attractive, as we get older. Hard, but in my mind not impossible. It takes some effort and retraining of our minds and, sometimes, some work to make our bodies stronger and healthier. I think we have to set aside the idea that only very thin super models in their early 20s can be sexy – I just don’t think that’s true.
In regard to the “confidence is sexy” thing, based on what you said, I’m wondering if it can go both ways. I do think that people who our culture says are sexy also tend to be confident. But I also still believe that confidence is sexy and attractive. I don’t think that everyone we perceive as sexy or attractive looks like a gorgeous model. Some of those people, if we really analyze them, look sort of average. But the way we perceive them is a composite of how they look and how they present themselves and, importantly, how they make us feel.
I know it’s a tough subject and a hard area in which to make changes. Thanks so much for joining the conversation.
Gaye
Keelie Reason says
Thanks for letting me share with your audience. 🙂
GC says
Thanks Keelie!
Gaye