For many of us, the term “lover,” when it refers to a woman, conjures up images of a mistress, someone who’s engaged in a wild fling, or a character in a romance novel. Her life seems a little shocking, rather scandalous, and maybe just a tiny bit exciting.
We might wish we could do some of the things she’s doing and experience some of the excitement she’s feeling – in other words, be somebody’s lover.
Fortunately for us as wives, we are somebody’s lover – our husband’s lover. We can enjoy a steamy sex life – the anticipation, the excitement, the intimacy – all wrapped up in the security of love and commitment. We can have everything the mistress or girlfriend or romance character has, and so much more.
But, stepping into the role of our husband’s lover sometimes takes a bit of effort. We may have embraced it early in marriage, but then let it slide. Or maybe we allowed our other roles – mom, teacher, chauffeur, employee, daughter, friend – to push it aside.
Or maybe we just never really got comfortable with the idea of being our husband’s lover.
Whatever your situation, you can embrace and relish your role as a lover. And if you’re already embracing it, please share your tips with us. Because I’m writing as a fellow traveler on this path, not as any sort of expert. And I would love for other wives to share what has worked for them.
But while we’re waiting for some expert advice, here are 5 things you can do to think and act like your husband’s lover:
Make space in your life.
Busyness is the enemy of the lover. If you’re running from one commitment to another – all day, every day – you won’t have time or energy to invest in becoming a lover.
So determine to make it a priority by creating some space and some margins around your life, in order to allow sex and intimacy to flourish. You’ll have to make decisions and take steps. It may involve reining in your family’s schedule, saying no, making difficult choices or disappointing some people. But it will be worth it.
Envision yourself as a lover.
Chances are, some of the roles you’re juggling – wife, mom, employee, cook, chauffeur, referee – are crowding out one of your most important and pleasurable roles – your husband’s lover. So practice thinking of yourself as a sexual person and a sensual woman, one who enjoys sex and intimacy.
Then, do things that promote that frame of mind. Take time to relax and unwind, dress in a way that makes you feel good about your body, listen to sexy music, use essential oils, or wear provocative scents or use them in your bedroom. Don’t just rush through your day, doing and thinking and wearing the things you always do, think and wear! Instead, figure out what would help you get in a sensual frame of mind, and do it.
(These are the scents that help me feel more sensual (affiliate links) – Whisper essential oil blend, Ylang Ylang essential oil, and Wild Orange essential oil. You can learn more about using essential oils and essential oil blends to boost sex and intimacy in my ebook, Guide to Romantic Essential Oils.)
Also, think about sexual encounters you and your husband have enjoyed in the past, and imagine things you might do in the future. Consider emailing or texting some of your thoughts to him, to get a sexy conversation started. Be conscious of bringing your mind back regularly to the thought that you are a lover.
Seek out sex-positive resources.
The number of high-quality sex and intimacy resources for married couples has exploded in the past 10 years. Many top-notch authors are writing books and blogs that promote a positive view of sex in marriage and help couples achieve the deep intimacy and enjoyable sex lives most people crave. (This Sex and Marriage Resources page lists some of my favorite sex-positive books and blogs.)
So pick a couple of resources that appeal to you and read them regularly. Let them remind you of the benefits of living as a lover and provide you with ideas and information to help you do it.
Take an active role in your sex life.
As wives, we often sit back and let our husbands do most of the work when it comes to sex. The problem with that approach is that it tends to make us passive, rather than active, participants in our own sex lives. And lovers aren’t passive
So try switching things up once in a while. Initiate sex sometimes – it helps you develop a sense of control of your own sexuality (and it thrills most husbands!). Regardless of who initiates, get involved – kiss him passionately, touch him, respond when he touches you, let him know what you want.
Do something you did when sex was steamiest between the two of you. Any time you find yourself drifting into passivity, do something to get your mind and body interested and engaged.
Try something new.
One of the reasons sex thrills us in the beginning is that everything is new and exciting. But as we spend more time together, we fall into a routine and know exactly what to expect, which registers in our brains as “oh, here comes the same old thing.”
So create excitement again by introducing something new every now and then – a new location, a new position, a different time of day, a change in tempo, lingerie, a toy – anything that’s new and a bit different for the two of you.
And, once in a while, try something that’s new and slightly outside your comfort zone. Because lovers are a little bit adventurous! So try something you’ve thought you might enjoy or something you know he’d enjoy, because sometimes, doing something unexpected just for your husband ends up being exciting for you too. Just take a step outside your comfort zone and be a little bit more daring. Like a lover.
What are your tips for helping wives embrace their role as a lover? Do you find it easy or difficult to think of yourself as a lover? Please share your thoughts in the Comments. I would love to hear from you.
(This article is for women in generally healthy marriages. If you’re in a difficult marriage, these ideas won’t be helpful to you. In that case, please seek help from a professional counselor in your community. And if you’re in an abusive marriage, please seek help from law enforcement or a domestic violence resource in your community. Abuse is never the fault of the person being abused, and tips for improving your sex life will never improve an abusive situation.)
Are you feeling frustrated with your libido and your level of interest in sex? Do you feel like something might be wrong? Do you wonder if you’ll ever be able to boost your sexual energy and enjoy intimacy more? If you’re feeling any of those things, check out the 10-video Boost Your Libido ecourse from Sheila Gregoire, the leading sex writer for married women.
This course can help you figure out why your libido or your sex life have gone way off track. It can help you answer the question, “Is there something wrong with me?” (I’ll give you a hint – the answer is no! But you may need some new information and strategies to get things going again.) And it provides practical tips you can use, starting today. I’m working my way through the course now and really love how practical the content is for busy wives and moms.
Melanie says
Great article! I love having an essential oil diffuser in our room, and will have to look into those oils specifically.
GC says
Thanks Melanie. I hope you like them.
Gaye
Newlywed says
Great article! My husband and I are still in our first year of marriage, so our intimate moments are still spontaneous for the most part. But often we get caught up in the busyness of life and sometimes we’re just too tired even if we’re craving each other. So when it starts to become a pattern, we plan sex. I’ll usually send him a text that day or even ask him that morning if he has any plans for the evening and invite him on a ‘date’. Then we know what to expect from each other and it keeps us accountable to save something for each other to give that evening.
And you’re right. I’m usually passive, but when I suddenly initiate he really enjoys it! So I try to do it more often. Thanks for the article!
GC says
Hi Newlywed – It sounds like you’re being really smart and setting up great habits early in your marriage. They will serve you well as you go move through life together. I like the idea of “saving something for each other.” I think that really becomes an issue for women, especially after they have children. They just feel at the end of the day that they have nothing left to give. So being proactive and saving some time and energy for each other is really a great idea.
Gaye
Cassie from True Agape says
We can always be busy but we have to prioritize what’s important in our lives. We need to Choose what we value and WE should not forget that Our husband, our lover is our partner. Lets show them that even if we have kids already, nothing has changed.
GC says
Hi Cassie – Yes, you’re right. We have to prioritize and make choices. It IS hard when you have kids, a job, etc., but focusing some time and attention on our marriages is never wasted.
Gaye
Terry says
GAye, newly married couple and my husband is amazing and I can’t get an handle on how to return or even initiate as a lover. He gives back and foot rubs to help me relax. He has to initiate sex as in my previous marriage that all I did. I feel I am in a spot I can’t handle. He cooks, cleans drive my kids Around to events he is such a giver I want to figure out on how to respond to him. I want to be HIS lover so bad.
Help
GC says
Hi Terry – It sounds like you are in a difficult situation, and that maybe there are some issues that link back to your previous marriage? I encourage you to consider talking to a counselor who is experienced in working with couples. It may be very helpful to get an outside, professional perspective on how to sort these things out in your marriage.
Gaye
Crystal says
We have been married for 4 years. And im not sure if its my meds or whats going on. But ive gone from a passionate woman, to i could care less. And it is killing my marraige. My husband says we are growing apart. I don’t know. I just miss the love.
GC says
Hi Crystal – I am so sorry to hear this. I know that it is very painful. I encourage you to go see your doctor and talk about your meds. A number of them can affect libido, and it seems really important to find out if they are affecting you that way. You may also want to talk with a counselor – going from a passionate woman to someone who doesn’t care isn’t good, and you may need some help to figure out what is going on.
I am praying for you and your marriage.
Gaye
Kelly says
Busyness is the enemy of the lover. Simple but all too true. Brilliantly said!
GC says
Thank you, Kelly!
Gaye
AuthenticChic says
I have been married 41 years and counting. History is part of any marriage marriage. The longer the more you have between you as a couple. Make time, make chamge, let him know what you like and don’t be afraid to ask hi,also! Whenever you have children they seem to always come firts. Wronh! If Mom and Dad are not happy then they won’t be either. If you can honestly look at time, find it! Find date night weekly, find an overnight together alone once a month! Focus on yourself and him. Plan ahead anything you can and make sure he knows that it’s all about pleasuring one another night! He is your focus, ladies! Let him know this and you won’t regret it. I believe most men want to see you smile when you enjoy him pleasuring you, also! Tell him so! Let him know you are interested, be interesting and never ever forget to make sure he knows he “does it” for you! Just a few thoughts to make memories and future plans for more. Simply put, you as a sexual couple needs to be cared for properly. Don’t put it away. Make it priority!
GC says
Hi AuthenticChic – Thanks so much for this great comment! You are exactly right – it’s about having the intention and making the time to focus on sex and intimacy and being a couple.
Gaye
Amber says
How would you introduce or find out if you husband would be interested in a sex toy, I am having a hard time finding a way of bringing this up, without feeling intimidated, don’t want him to think less of me if he is not interested.
GC says
Hi Amber – Mentioning something new can definitely be a bit intimidating. My thought is to read a tasteful article on a marriage-focused site (like this one at Intimacy in Marriage or this one at Hot, Holy and Humorous) and then mention the article to your husband. You could just say, “I came across this article today. What do you think about it?” If the two of your normally email or text things to each other, you could even email it to him or text him the link and say, “Saw this on a marriage blog today. Wondered what you thought about it?”
I hope this helps a bit. You know your husband better than anyone, but it seems like opening up a conversation is generally a good thing to do, even if it doesn’t lead to the conclusion you hope for.
Gaye
Galia says
Dear Gaye and all,
Thank you so much for the ideas here!!!
I am going to marry in May, a lot to learn about marriage!
This is a good source to learn.
May God bless you and give you more to share!
GC says
Hi Galia – Thanks so much. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. I hope that some of the ideas here will be helpful to you.
Gaye
Annie says
All of these are great thoughts! One important thing I’ve learned is when I have an impulse to do something (jump into his arms, kiss him passionately, playfully tickle him) and I don’t act upon my impulse almost immediately – then the excuses start to come. Thoughts like “what if I miserably embarrass myself tripping as I attempt to leap into his arms” or “what if he doesn’t want to kiss right now?”
If I allow those thoughts to get between, I could miss a great opportunity! Of all the times I’ve had an impulse and acted on it, my husband was so excited! These little spontaneous things matter a lot.
GC says
Hi Annie – That is such a great point! I am a big over thinker too – if I let myself think about that sort of thing at all, I will usually talk myself out of it! Thanks for the reminder to just go with it.
Gaye
Jann says
Is there a newsletter or way to join?
GC says
Hi Jann – Yes, I would love for you to subscribe. You can use the “Don’t Miss a Post” box at the top of the sidebar, or the subscribe box at the end of each post.
Thanks.
Gaye
Happy Life as a Wife says
These are all good thoughts here from all the women making contributions.. For the older woman, I have some thoughts. We are married almost 44 years and we have had the best sex life over the last two years. I attribute that to taking initiative about intimacy in our lives. I did some good research regarding my hubby’s issues and mine. I discovered that my husband had low testosterone and that was extremely unhealthy for all of his body not just his sex life! It is his all over heart, muscles bones that are effected by this drop in testosterone as well as his libido. Besides other prostrate health issues were at play. We found a wonderful urologist that brought us to an area of discovery that it certainly isn’t over for intimacy when you can get better living through chemistry and expert medical advice!. I had issues of dryness, arousal and low libido as well, so I took care of mell with an excellent gynecologist. I found out about lubricants and vitamins and guess what else. Reading and researching on human sexuality and how it is all supposed to work! There are a whole lot of great ideas on line and in books to bring you closer through good communication and physical intimacy. Our marriages are worth all the effort of knowing our bodies and our mates. We can be the wife of their dreams and can bring back confidence and intimacy though tenderness, sensitivity, forgiveness and being willing to start on a new adventure with our spouse. We have a lot of history together and it is worth preserving our best relationship to each other as well as to model a great marriage of closeness and trust for our married children and 13 grandchildren…EVERYBODY wins when we make love a priority!
GC says
Thank you so much for sharing this! Your story encourages me so much, and I know it will encourage others too. You’re right – it is never to late to start learning, exploring and addressing problems related to sex and intimacy. Even for those who have struggled in that area for much of their marriage, change is entirely possible. Sometimes one spouse just needs to take the initiative and start.
Gaye
libl says
One thing I’d add to the list is studying your husband to see what kind of lover he likes. And studying yourself to see what kind of lover you’d like to be. Be willing to step outside of comfort zones and cast off any preconceived expectations and assumptions.
You see, I became crushed when I found out my husband doesn’t like the kind of lover I thought men liked. Some men like what I thought, but my husband likes something else. Some men want Bettie Page type lovers. My hubby prefers Lauren Bacall. Sophisticated, confident, classy, steamy and just a bit innocent. So, find out your husband’s preference. I’m not talking about illicit fantasy or person. I am talking about his preference for lover behavior. Does he like the idea of you being more aggressive? Demure? Flirtatious? Subtle? Hard to get? Easy to grab? Confident? Shy? Naughty? Innocent?
Add to that your preferences and voila…fantastic variety and a unique love life only the two of you can have.
Just being positive about sex with your spouse counts for a WHOLE lot.
GC says
Hi libl – Wow, that is terrific advice! I had not thought about it that way, but that is really something great to think about and consider. I can see how it would open up some good conversation and possibilities.
Thanks so much for sharing such a wonderful idea.
Gaye
margiewinn says
I just saw Esther Perel on The Colbert Report, talking about her book “Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic + the Domestic.” It looks good, but I’ve not yet read it.
GC says
Hi Margie – I haven’t heard about this book. It sounds fascinating! I’m definitely going to check it out.
Thanks.
Gaye
Pure Grace Farms says
I love your posts Gaye, They are always right where I live and give me great ideas and tips for a little extra spark in my relationship. I also appreciated the opportunity to co-host this week at Let’s Get Real! Great fun and great links.
Blessings,
Shari
GC says
Thanks so much for the kind words, Shari.
Gaye
DeDivahDeals says
Once again a great post and thank you for sharing it at the #WWDParty! Have a wonderful weekend.
GC says
Thanks Antionette! Have a great week.
Gaye
Linda@Creekside says
let’s say ‘no thanks’ to everything that crowds out that undivided space we need to spend with our spouses.
GC says
Amen to that, Linda! Thanks so much for stopping by.
Gaye
jugglingrealfoodandreallife says
Thanks so much for this great advice Gaye. He is certainly worth the extra effort.
GC says
Thanks Christina. Mine is too!
Gaye
Stacy says
These are great points to remember (which I do) and practice (which I used to be good at but not so much lately). Thanks for the reinforcement. 🙂 Just discovered your blog through That’s Fresh Friday… so now I am going exploring 🙂
Stacy
http://www.anygirlcandoit.com
GC says
Thanks so much, Stacy. We all need a reminder sometimes – at least I do!
Gaye
cassi9879b says
I’ve never envisioned myself as a lover….I know I’m an odd one but I can do without sex and intimacy. I don’t know if I just don’t have a strong libido or what it is but I’ve never really sought them out. If it happens, it happens…if it doesn’t it’s OK.
dishofdailylife says
Good advice, as always. We’ve been married 22 years…I think you always want to keep some element of newness.
GC says
Thanks Michelle. We have been married a long time too. Keeping it new definitely requires being intentional about it.
Gaye
Steve Horsmon says
Excellent article, Gaye. You’re such a positive role model for the strong, smart, sexy woman who lives with an open and brave heart. Just the kind of woman great men love. Sharing this one!
GC says
Thanks Steve. I am definitely still a work in progress! Everything I write to to encourage my readers andmyselff.
Gaye
Jaime Boudreaux says
I recently took the advice of one of the blogs I follow and started sleeping naked. It was something completely out of my comfort zone! It lets my hubby know that I’m available to him, and surprisingly, it’s really comfortable. (I bought a robe for when I have to get up in the middle of the night, since we have young ones in the house.)
GC says
Hi Jaime – That is such a great idea! I have only done it a few times but (surprisingly) enjoyed it. Thanks for the reminder.
Gaye
cassi9879b says
I used to sleep naked but had to stop because the cold on my back would cause me to wake up coughing or with just an overall unwell feeling.
messymarriage says
You’ve got so many great points here, Gaye, but I especially like #2 and 5. These are areas that I’ve put forth effort in the past and it’s made a huge difference in my sex life with my hubby. But lately I’ve let those slide, so this is a reminder to get back to that focus! It’s such an important part of married life! Thanks for encouraging us in this way, my friend!