Life seems to be busy, almost chaotic, for most families. How are things going for you? If you feel reasonably calm and have maintained a grasp on your sanity, I applaud you. And I’m guessing you’re in the minority. If you feel tense and frazzled, and dread looking at your calendar and to-do list each day, I sympathize with you. And I’m guessing you’re in the majority.
Tense and frazzled seems to have become the pattern in our culture, doesn’t it? If we’re not insanely busy and “on the go” all the time, we feel as if we’re doing something wrong, as if we’re not busy enough or committed enough. Or, even worse, not doing enough for our children.
This pattern of busyness, and especially our love affair with children’s activities, is wearing a lot of women down. And some of them are beginning to question whether the “tense and frazzled train” is going anywhere they actually want to go. Because if they want to end up anywhere near calm, healthy or sexy, they need to get off that train and onto another one!
If you’re yearning for a calmer, slower and less complicated life, the way to begin is by taking a hard look at your family’s schedule. Here are three questions you and your husband can answer and discuss, as a starting point for reducing stress and increasing calm in your life:
- Who’s in charge? Who is controlling your family’s schedule? Your children? People at church or school who want your help with various projects? Your children’s coaches or activity leaders? Members of your extended family? If you want to live a reasonably calm, healthy and sexy life, then you can’t allow any of those people to be in charge. It’s very easy to allow others to take on that power (often before you even realize it!), especially if you and you’re husband aren’t actively managing your family’s schedule. But if you allow anyone else to control it, stress, fatigue and frustration are almost guaranteed.
- What are our priorities? If you and your husband haven’t established priorities for your marriage and family, take some time to set priorities for the next 6-12 months. Choose the things you want to define your family’s life during that period, and set those things up as a “frame.” This proactive approach keeps you from reacting all the time to new requests or demands on your time. For example, let’s say all of your children are playing soccer this year, you’ve started exercising regularly and want to address some minor health problems, you and you husband are leading a small group at church, and the two of you want to enjoy more fun and intimacy. That’s it – those are your priorities! When you add in work, homework, meals, laundry, housework and sleep – you’re out of time and energy, and if you commit to something else, your priorities will suffer. (Some things, like illnesses and job changes, can become priorities without your permission. But those things are the exception, not the rule.)
- Do we need to let go or say no? Finally, take a mental tour of your life and identify places where you or other family members need to let go or say no. Have you been doing something for a long time just because no one else has shown up to do it? Maybe it doesn’t fit into your “frame” for the year, and you need to let go of it. Have you allowed your children to get involved in so many activities that you and your husband are running on empty trying to get them to every practice, game, meeting and event? It may be time to help them let go of a few things. And if someone has asked you to take on a new task and it doesn’t fit with your priorities for right now, it’s probably time to just say no.
If you want to move toward living a calmer, healthier and sexier life, these questions can help. Work through them with your husband, then create a plan for better managing your family’s schedule. And if you really want to be challenged on this topic, check out 9 Lies that Keep Our Schedules Overwhelmed, by Becoming Minimalist. I have fallen for all of those lies at one time or another, but I think that #3 is especially insidious for women. (Thanks to Lori at The Generous Wife for sharing this great article.)
Debbie Jordan says
Gaye, I really enjoy your posts. I really enjoyed the guest post: /goodmenproject.com/featured-content/5-reasons-to-get-your-wife-out-of-the-house-and-into-a-hotel-dg/. My husband and I want to share this blog on our facebook page/ website, but we are concerned about some of the material found on Good Men Project. Is there a way to obtain your post without having to use the goodmentproject.com link? Thank you so much. Debbie Jordan
GC says
Hi Debbie – Thanks so much. I’m not really sure about the answer to your question. I’m just getting started with publishing on other sites, and I’m not entirely sure of the rules. I’ll look into it, and let you know if I can find out another way for you to publish the material.
Thanks.
Gaye
The Questionable Homesteader says
Gaye, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this post. I recently had to walk away from an organization I was volunteering with because I was finding that it was taking over my life. It was interfering with my work and the stress it was causing was starting to effect my health. I was constantly asking myself “what are my priorities” (I’m single so there is no ‘our’), but now I’m thinking what I should have been asking myself is “Who’s in charge”.
I’m thinking that these three questions are about to become my mantra when deciding on taking extra things on. Thank you so much for such a great (and timely) post.
GC says
Thanks so much, Ricki. Believe me, I was talking to myself as much as anyone else when I wrote this. It’s amazing how quickly a project that we may not really want to do can take over our lives. Just today at church someone was trying to “entice” me to come back to a job I gave up last fall. I really don’t feel called to go back to it, so I need to remember who is in charge.
Thanks for stopping by.
Gaye
Carrie Groneman says
Gaye you are so insightful and have the most pertinent advice; thank you, we all need you so much. I appreciate all you bring in such a positive and motivating manner. Carrie, A Mother’s Shadow
GC says
Thank you, Carrie. You are such an encouragement to me. I really appreciate your friendship.
Gaye
Jennifer @ A More Organized Life says
Great thoughts! I am in the habit of letting others control my schedule sometimes. I love the freedom that comes from saying “no” and am trying to do it more often and intentionally. Must keep my priorities in order!
GC says
Hi Jennifer – I agree – even though it’s hard to start saying “no,” it gives you a feeling of freedom (and power!) when you master it!
Thanks so much for stopping by.
Gaye
messymarriage says
I don’t know if you’re finding this to be true with your blog, Gaye, but I feel like Messy Marriage has just subtly heated up like the “frog in the kettle” and the “busyness” is killing me! I assumed it was my breast cancer diagnosis last year that was keeping me running no where fast. But after spending nearly 3 or 4 hours today trying to untangle a technology knot (which has often been the case for me this past year! Untangling technology knots, that is!) I’m feeling like I need to declutter my life. I’m always so challenged by that truth when I stop by your place, Gaye. Thanks for being such a positive influence for managing our lives and marriages realistically, my friend!
GC says
Hi Beth – Oh, a technology “knot” is the worst! So frustrating and time consuming! Yes, I definitely feel like my blog requires more time and attention than I am able to give it. That is a constant source of frustration for me. Thanks so much for your kind words and encouragement.
Gaye
The Unextreme (@TheUnextreme) says
Great advice. I love the one about needing to let go or say no. Saying no is so hard to do it seems but it’s something that has to be done at times. It’s always something that I have struggled with but even more so now that I am a mother.
GC says
Hi Emily – I have always found it hard to say no too. But for some reason, I find it a bit easier as I get older. Maybe I care less what people think – lol.
Gaye
Nicky says
Great advice Gaye.
GC says
Thanks Nicky!
Gaye
Karen says
I think setting priorities is so important. We’ve also learned that the “work” of just running a family requires a lot of time. When we add lots of other commitments on top of it, there’s just not enough to go around. Even though our life is not as hectic and demanding as is once was when we had a lot of little ones, it is still quite busy with the ones we have at home, and in a different sort of way. We still have to set limits to make sure there is enough of us to go around.
Thanks for sharing your great – as always – advice!
GC says
Thanks Karen – I like the idea of thinking about the “work” of running a family. Not “work” in a drudgery sense but you’re right – it just takes a lot of time to keep a family functioning smoothly! Our family life is not as hectic as it was in recent years either, but we still have to prioritize and set limits.
Thanks so much for stopping by.
Gaye
Karen says
And thanks for sharing at Wake Up Wednesday! 🙂
GC says
Thanks Karen!
Gaye
Juggling Real Food (@JugglngRealFood) says
As always……….great advice Gaye. I am now quoting you on a daily basis. You should hear me at the bus stop each morning with the kids and their mothers…………….I’m always dispensing your words of wisdom. You are helping all of us live a little calmer, healthier, and sexier.
GC says
OK, I am laughing out loud about being quoted at the bus stop!
Gaye
littlesproutslearning says
These are great! I have recently quit a huge time commitment from my life that was a very large part of our life. It was super tough, it was at church and I have had people calling me from all over and telling me at church that I shouldn’t have done it, that they are disappointed in me, that it’s not fair, and that I am wrong. But I stepped down after clearly hearing God prompting me to do so. It’s been very difficult to stick to the decision, but I really want to be in God’s will for my life. I want to be doing what I was doing, but God said no. Saying no to people is not as easy as it sounds, and these are some really great tips on how to focus on your priorities. This is a confirmation to me that I am on the right track. Thank you for writing it!
GC says
Hi Christina – Yes, saying “no more” is really hard. And I think that saying it to the church may be hardest of all! You’d like to think that church people would understand that you are following God’s leading, or needing to spend more time with your family. But sadly, that often is not the case.
Congratulations on sticking with what you know is right for you and your family.
Gaye