Very soon, fall schedules will be running full speed ahead. For some families, their schedules will run at warp speed – faster than anyone can possibly keep up. Sports, homework, school projects, dance, scouts, committees, jobs, and volunteer work will kick into high gear. And when they do, marriages tend to suffer. It seems easier to put your marriage on hold than to put soccer practice, piano lessons or that church committee on hold. And in the short run, it is easier – and it doesn’t seem like much of a problem. After all, you and your husband are adults, so your needs often end up on the back burner.
But in the long run, putting the needs of your marriage on hold turns out to be a bad idea. Because marriages either move toward communication, connection and intimacy or they move away from those things – they don’t “stand still” for very long. Putting your marriage on hold frequently, or for an extended period of time, and devoting most of your time and energy to work, your children’s activities, and community or church activities inevitably leads to a move away from communication, connection and intimacy. And it’s a move that tends to be subtle – often, you don’t realize what’s happening until a wide gap has opened up between you and your husband.
So what’s the solution? Clearly, you can’t quit all of your activities and focus solely on your marriage. Life just doesn’t work that way. But you can begin to do small things that really make a difference. One simple strategy is to do at least one thing each week to be intentional about your marriage – to focus some of your time and energy on it in a positive way. The options for doing this are almost limitless. You probably know what your marriage needs (which may change from week to week or month to month), so pick something each week that will help meet that need. If you aren’t sure where to begin, here are a few ideas to jump-start your creativity:
- Turn off your devices in the evening and focus your attention on your husband.
- Go to bed at the same time.
- Open up a conversation about a topic that needs to be addressed.
- Set aside time for sex.
- Eat dinner together without the kids.
- Cancel one of your activities and spend that time with him.
- Take a long walk together.
- Set aside time to talk about important things – plans, hope or dreams that are important to both of you.
- Do something for your husband that speaks to him in his love language.
- Go on a date, even if it’s just going out for coffee, a glass of wine or some ice cream.
- Do something fun.
- Do something that will surprise him.
Do any of these ideas resonate with you? Or would other ideas work better? What could you do over the course of the next week to be intentional about your marriage, to give it a little bit more of your time, attention and energy? Here’s what I plan to do. I’m going to turn off all of my devices every night by 9:00. I have a bad habit of checking things on my phone while I’m sitting in bed, which I’m pretty sure is bad for my marriage and my sleep! What about you? Please share your thoughts in the Comments – I would love to hear from you.
(You may also want to set priorities for your marriage and family or manage your family’s schedule.)
Jerry Stumpf says
Gaye,
Hey, just came across your blog and find it very encouraging. My wife and I just returned from a two week get-a-way to see our daughter and unwind a bit.
Last year we launched a new online business to encourage younger married couples to learn how to effectively communicate together when life gets in the way. After forty years of marriage and coaching couples, we wanted to spread our wings a bit to help others.
Your post is filled with practical suggestions. I look forward to reading more of your posts and sharing your blog with my wife and readers.
Thanks for your focus on helping others to strengthen their relationship.
GC says
Thanks so much, Jerry. I look forward to getting to more about what you and your wife are doing.
Gaye
Misty Leask says
Thank you so much for yet another wonderfully real and beautiful post. This will be featured on my blog for Family Fun Friday! Blessings Gaye!
GC says
Thanks so much, Misty! I really appreciate it.
Gaye
Rosemary says
We used to get up early every morning and take a walk together before breakfast. This was a great way to connect with each other without outside interruptions. Unfortunately, changes in our work schedules have made those walks nearly impossible. What we do now is sit down quietly together before dinner and have a “how was your day” talk. (The phones are off.)
GC says
Hi Rosemary – I know you’re sad to have to miss your morning walks! That sounds like a great way to start the day. Glad you were able to come up with an alternative – taking time to talk every day is so important.
Gaye
purpledani9 says
This post is exactly what I needed! With a new baby in our house (7 weeks old) intimacy & communication is something that’s been lacking! Thank you for these reminders!!!
GC says
Thanks Danielle. It is hard when you have a new baby! You have to find the right balance between keeping some of the focus on your marriage and giving yourself some grace as you adjust to your new role.
Gaye
mikienglish says
Mr. E and I worked together for almost 9 years and were together almost 24-7 during that time. Although we maintained a good relationship, we weren’t intentional about our relationship. It was almost as if the other person was a painting on the wall. The one you know is there, and you like it, but don’t really ever look at it, or contemplate it anymore. Since we’ve stopped working together over the last seven months, it’s been a struggle to change the way we relate to one another. The “un-togetherness” has actually been a good change for us as we now make time to exercise together and make our time together fun. As always, Gaye, thanks for the great post!
GC says
Thanks so much, Miki. I had never really thought about how working together could lead to the “painting on the wall” effect! I’m glad you have the opportunity now to make a change in the way you relate to each other.
Gaye
Kimberlee says
Great ideas – thanks for sharing them. I just spoke to a friend of mine yesterday and we were discussing how busy we are now that school is back in session and we both have 3 kids and how busy you are with picking them up and taking them here and there or going to their activities. It is important to set aside some quality time with your spouse, that’s for sure.
GC says
Thanks Kimberlee. It’s amazing how much time kids’ activities can suck out of your schedule! It really is important to be intentional about making time for your spouse, especially when it would be so easy to let stuff with the kids take over everything.
Thanks so much for stopping by.
Gaye
nmburk says
We just got back from a couples’ retreat, and we both said, “I needed this.” It wasn’t about the sessions or even the fancy hotel- it was just about being away TOGETHER. I left my laptop at home and closed and didn’t touch my phone. It was nice to disconnect from work and connect with each other again!
GC says
Hi Nicole – I’m so glad you were able to get away and get a break! We went away this weekend, and I followed your example of no laptop and very little phone!
Gaye
messymarriage says
Great ideas, Gaye! You are so intentional and proactive in life and marriage. I’m going to be sharing this because I see myself as well as many of the young wives/moms I minister to forgetting to do these important, intentional and small acts of love. Like everything in life that takes discipline and commitment, it’s always so worth the cost when we experience the growth and benefits it produces! Hugs, sweet friend!
GC says
Thanks so much, Beth. For me, at least, it really does require being intentional. And when the kids are young it seems even more important, because they can take every bit of time and energy we have.
Gaye