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“Lean Forward” into Better Sex and Increased Intimacy – Healthy Marriage Tip of the Week

46 Comments

When it comes to sex and intimacy, do you sometimes feel like these people – leaning into the wind, making an effort to move forward, but having a hard time getting where you want to go?

I’ve felt that way many times during my marriage – I’ve wanted to move forward, to have a great sex life, but it seemed like all kinds of “winds,” seen and unseen, were getting in the way. I’ve been pushed back by the “winds” of fatigue, busyness, worry, stress, self-consciousness, and fear. And, if I let those things have their way, it was easy to find myself moving away from a marvelous, fun and fulfilling sex life, rather than toward it. I’m guessing you’ve felt that way at times too.

But when those kinds of “winds” pop up, what if we were to lean forward just a bit in our approach to sex and intimacy? What if we moved ahead with purpose, determination and just a bit of extra effort? Instead of allowing the “winds” to push us back, what if we leaned into them and moved forward with a bit more vigor? I think it could make a difference. As a matter of fact, I know it can, because I’ve seen it work in my own life.

Lean ForwardIf you’re ever frustrated by these kinds of “winds” in your life, here are some ideas for “leaning forward” into better sex and increased intimacy:

  • Adopt a positive mindset about sex.  It’s easy to think of the negatives – I’m too tired, it takes too much time, I’m overweight, the kids might wake up, I’d rather read a book. But what if we replaced those thoughts with others – Sex is energizing, it’s fun, it feels great, it bonds us as a couple, it makes me happy, it makes my husband happy. In many cases, what we think changes how we feel and respond.
  • Plan for and anticipate sex.  In the real world of children, jobs, homes and other responsibilities, it’s unlikely that good sex will just happen. In reality, making it happen often takes some effort and planning. So consider taking steps to make fun, enjoyable sex happen on a regular basis. Steps like clearing your schedule of meetings and activities a couple of days a week, simplifying some meals, swapping child care with friends, saying no to additional responsibilities, wearing clothing or lingerie that makes you feel great, listening to sexy or romantic music, taking a relaxing bath, or getting away for a night or even just a day.
  • Give sex a chance.  In general, men have a spontaneous sexual response while women have a reactive response (this is often, but not always, the case). In practical terms, this means that women frequently don’t feel in the mood for sex until they start fooling around. (Understanding this revolutionized my thinking about my own sexuality and helped me realize that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me if I don’t get in the mood the same way my husband does!) So if you always wait to have sex until the mood strikes, you may be waiting a very long time! For that reason, sometimes consider just leaning forward and give sex a chance. It may turn out that you’re “in the mood” after all.

I love the idea of women leaning forward – putting just a little extra energy and “muscle” into creating a great sex life with their husbands. What do you think? Can a little bit of effort make a difference? What has worked for you? Please share your thoughts in the Comments – I would love to hear from you.

 

Comments

  1. Lisa Gill says

    Leaning into it is a great idea, there is so much more we give time and energy to. Our husbands and sex lives deserve much more. Thanks for the food for thought.

    Reply

  3. Kim says

    This is great advice! The line that resonated with me was “If we wait to have sex until the mood strikes, we may be waiting a very long time!” It is so, so true. Thanks for all your tips!

    Reply

    • GC says

      Thanks Kim. I have to remind often myself about not “waiting until the mood strikes!”

      Thanks for stopping by.
      Gaye

      Reply

    • GC says

      Thanks Adrienne. Yes, at least for me, I really have to be intentional, or the rest of live will completely overshadow sex and intimacy.

      Gaye

      Reply

  7. Jamie Janosz says

    Good words here – It is funny, but after 20 years of marriage, I know that there is never a “perfect” time to have sex. You need to make time for it and take advantage of every opportunity.

    Reply

    • GC says

      Hi Jamie – I agree – there is no perfect time, except the time we make for it.

      Thanks so much for stopping by.
      Gaye

      Reply

  9. Andrea says

    Can a be honest? When I “give sex a chance” when I’m not in the mood and so exhausted that I don’t “play” well with hubby, I feel like I’m doing him a favor. *hand clasp over mouth* I feel bad about it. I appreciate this post. Happy SITS Day!!!

    Reply

  10. Emily says

    I’m so glad I found you today! I have been struggling in this area so much. I suffer from something called vulvadynia – basically chronic nerve pain in the vaginal area. It comes and goes but it has introduced so much fear and stress and worry into my sex life with my husband that I find myself recoiling most of the time. “Leaning forward” puts it into mental terms that feel doable for me. Thank you!

    (And happy SITS day :))

    Reply

    • Becky says

      It is tough when there’s pain involved, isn’t it? I learned on my honeymoon that I have vaginismus, which was later confirmed by a doctor. It’s not impossible for me to have sex, so it could be a lot worse. But it’s never felt good either, and right now it’s even more complicated by some residual pain from giving birth a couple of months ago. So for me, I think leaning in would be figuring out how to get over my fear that my husband will start to resent me for this, even though the physical issues bother me a lot more than it does him

      Reply

      • GC says

        Hi Becky – That is a very difficult situation, and I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with it throughout your marriage. I hope and pray that you can find some medical care or other resources that will help you. I have not experienced vaginismus, but can say from experience that the pain with intercourse that follows childbirth can last a long time (in my case, about 6 months). Doctors don’t seem to ever mention that! So assuming that everything is okay medically, it’s likely that part of the issues you’re facing will resolve over time.

        Gaue

        Reply

    • GC says

      Thanks for stopping by, Rabia – Remind your husband that women’s sex drive tends to be responsive – we often don’t get “into it” until we get started. That’s completely normal for many, maybe most, women, and isn’t faking it. If we wait until we respond sexually the way men do, we may be waiting a long time!

      Gaye

      Reply

    • GC says

      Thanks Lori. Sometimes I wish it didn’t require thinking and effort to be ready for intimacy, but it does for most of us. So we just have to work with what we’ve got!

      Thanks for stopping by.
      Gaye

      Reply

    • GC says

      Hi Megan – “Just fall right on in!” I love that! I think a lot of us could find ourselves in that position with just a little bit of thought and effort.

      Thanks so much for stopping by.
      Gaye

      Reply

  23. Rosey says

    I’m here from the hop too. Happy to read your positive words, it really is important to keep everything in perspective, including intimacy which can easily get pushed by the wayside when the kiddos come along.

    Reply

    • GC says

      Hi Rosey – I agree – it can get pushed aside so easily. I think that wives and husbands need to do whatever is required to keep intimacy a high priority.

      Thanks so much for stopping by.
      Gaye

      Reply

Trackbacks

  3. […] For women, margins provide a “cushion” around our lives, allowing us to hold some time, energy and resources in reserve for unexpected events, emergencies, and high-stress periods.  Margins also allow us to enjoy and devote time to the people and activities in our lives, and to maintain our health and peace of mind.  If every day is packed with activities and responsibilities, how can we find time to exercise, to eat well, to get enough sleep, and to enjoy intimacy with our husbands? […]

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