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The Coconut Cake of Marriage and Sexual Intimacy

August 12, 201318 Comments

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Coconut  pastry(While I’m on vacation this week, I’m thrilled to share a guest post by my friend Bonny at Pearl’s Oyster Bed. She writes to encourage all wives, and especially low-libido wives, to create sexual intimacy in their marriages  She is also a great friend of this blog and an encouragement to me.)

If we were to think of the whole of marriage as a three-tiered coconut cake, sexual connection will be the icing that keeps the layers together. Some would say the icing on the cake is an added bonus, but it is not just an added bonus. It is much more.

I see the icing, especially when it is between the layers, as binding.  There is a spiritual and bio-chemical connection you give and receive during the act of sexual intimacy. No other relationship contains this powerful physical and spiritual bonding.

The icing also forms a barrier. It seals in the cake’s moisture and keeps it from becoming too dry. Sexual intimacy does the exact same thing. It seals in the moisture and protects. It keeps your marriage delectable and forms a barrier against temptation.

Within your marriage, are you the lower drive spouse? If so, sexual intimacy is often the most crucial emotional need of your higher drive mate. What happens when the most important need of one spouse is the rock bottom priority of the other spouse? WWIII, thermonuclear meltdown, the explosion in the microwave…..

There can be great healing for the marriage where sexual desire is unequal or polar opposite (like fire and ice). Healing requires taking an inventory of your cake ingredients.

  1. The flour of spiritual connection – sharing a faith, the same moral code and values; defining integrity and priorities as the same; agreeing upon your life’s purpose together.
  2. The eggs of emotional connection – knowing your mate’s feelings, goals and frustrations; having and showing love, esteem, trust, respect and confidence in your mate. 
  3. The sugar of physical desire – having a tangible craving to fondle, play, and orgasm; being physically healthy and having a balance of hormones.
  4. The milk of amusement – doing things together outside of your normal daily routine, taking turns choosing the activity, but agreeing by mutual decision.
  5. The vanilla of self-value and self-image – realizing your personal worth and that your husband loves your body no matter what shape it’s in
  6. The powdered sugar of sex-positive attitude – through God’s help you have processed any negative sexual experiences or attitudes you have had. You know that sex is God-ordained and something to celebrate with your husband.
  7. The butter of tranquility – the absence of out-of-control stress and anxiety in your life.
  8. The coconut of crazy – the freedom to be just a little bit silly every once in a while or a lot of the time, flirting, having fun and laughing

Sometimes the cake comes out flat and you are mystified as to what happened. But it’s evident something was missing or in wrong proportion.

I was kind of clueless as to why the issues of my marriage came to a boiling point, and so much of it revolved around sexual intimacy. It took serious introspection and some outside intervention for my husband and I to realize that our pantry was out of eggs and sugar. He worked on strengthening emotional intimacy. I worked on restoring my physical health and sexual desire.

The conflict about sex usually happens when a disconnect exists in one or more of the above categories. Of course, these categories are not exhaustive, but I think they represent the majority of issues.

One Last Thought

If sex is a bone of contention in your marriage, pray that God will reveal the places where your marital intimacy needs to be strengthened. The marriage relationship is the metaphor most used in scripture to describe the kind of intimacy God desires to have with his believers. God created sexual intimacy. He said it is good. It’s OK to pray about improving your marital sex life.

BonnyBonny and I would love to hear from you. Please share your thoughts in the Comments, then click over to Pearl’s Oyster Bed and visit her. If you’re interested in sexual intimacy in marriage, you’ll want to subscribe to her blog! Gaye

 Sharing with Pin It Monday, Pin It Tuesday, Messy Marriage, To Love, Honor and Vacuum, and Prowess and Pearls.

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Filed Under: Healthy Eating, Sex and Intimacy

Comments

  1. [email protected] says

    August 14, 2013 at 8:59 pm

    As a husband, I am always interested in what husbands can do to help with the baking…Could you mentioned some of the things your husband worked on to strengthening emotional intimacy in your marriage.

    Reply
    • oysterbed7 says

      August 15, 2013 at 10:49 am

      Thanks for your message, Rick! I would be happy to help with thoughts on how husbands can help with the baking. 😉 My husband’s efforts to improve our emotional intimacy are posted in a piece called, “Winds of Change: A Husband’s Profound Influence on Her Sex Drive.” http://www.oysterbed7.com/2013/01/winds-of-change-husbands-profound.html

      Reply
      • [email protected] says

        August 15, 2013 at 11:18 am

        Thank you. I will be sure to read it.

        Reply
  2. Beth says

    August 14, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    This is a great analogy, Bonny–right down to each of the ingredients. I love it! Thanks for sharing this and for being vulnerable about your relationship before you woke up to the importance of connecting through sex. I love your passion to help couples in this way–much like I love Gaye’s passion in this area as well. You are two great ladies doing great work!

    Reply
    • oysterbed7 says

      August 14, 2013 at 2:35 pm

      Thanks for the kind words, Beth. I am blessed to be in the company of wise and wonderful, godly marriage bloggers like my sweet friend, Gaye, and yourself. Not to mention the rest of the battalion (Christian Marriage Bloggers Assoc.). May we all point marriages back to health and ‘lack of mess’ (aka order) through His wisdom.

      Reply
    • GC says

      August 18, 2013 at 1:12 pm

      Thanks for your kind words and encouragement, Beth.

      Gaye

      Reply
  3. Debi - The Romantic Vineyard says

    August 14, 2013 at 9:48 am

    Bonny,
    I love it when God speaks similar posts to marriage bloggers. I love.love.love. your metaphor about coconut cake. It helps apply the truth in a more non-threatening way. I pray this post will help many lower-drive spouses see their need to work on the issue, not shove it in the back of the pantry.
    Thank you,
    Debi

    Reply
    • oysterbed7 says

      August 14, 2013 at 1:00 pm

      Debi, it was truly God inspired! He has a way of floating themes through doesn’t he? Yes, I hope that the issue is not shoved in the back of the pantry. 🙂 Thank you for your encouragement.

      Reply
  4. Do Not Disturb says

    August 13, 2013 at 7:15 am

    What a great image and way to look at sex. You have such an encouraging way to draw out what may be missing and give practical ways to work on those things. Thanks for sharing!

    Megan

    Reply
    • oysterbed7 says

      August 13, 2013 at 11:09 am

      Thank you, Megan!

      Reply
  5. DeDivahDeals says

    August 12, 2013 at 11:16 am

    Cute way to put it!

    Reply
    • GC says

      August 13, 2013 at 6:36 pm

      Thanks Antionette!

      Gaye

      Reply
  6. Emily Waugh says

    August 12, 2013 at 9:58 am

    Bonny, thank you for this. It is so encouraging to know there are others out there struggling with the same thing. I have no sugar anymore. 🙁 I am definitely the low drive mate. But it wasn’t always that way!! Everything changed when my son was born, and he’s almost 2 now! I can see it taking a toll on my marriage, but so far, I can’t seem to change it, though I try. I try to think sexy thoughts, I’ve tried creams and things, I’ve tried faking it…. It’s upsetting to both my husband and myself. I want to protect my marriage!! I want it to be delectable. I’m definitely clicking over to your blog now for whatever advice you have for me…

    Reply
    • oysterbed7 says

      August 13, 2013 at 11:13 am

      Emily, you’re already ahead of the game by realizing sexual intimacy is important. Things do change with each season of life. Keep the lines of communication open and keep looking for ideas and resources to help. Let me know what speaks to you at OysterBed7. I’m praying for you, sweet friend.

      Reply
  7. Cindy B says

    August 12, 2013 at 9:23 am

    I don’t think I will ever eat this cake the same way as before this reading! 🙂
    Very good!!! Love this thought process.

    Reply
    • GC says

      August 13, 2013 at 6:36 pm

      Thanks Cindy!

      Gaye

      Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Do You Know What a Healthy Marriage and Sex Life Looks Like? • Bonny's Oysterbed7 says:
    January 12, 2020 at 7:01 am

    […] The Coconut Cake of Marriage and Sex […]

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  2. The Coconut Cake of Marriage and Sexual Intimacy | Oysterbed 7 says:
    January 23, 2015 at 1:01 pm

    […] me to Calm.Healthy.Sexy where I am guest posting “The Coconut Cake of Marriage and Sexual Intimacy”.  Take stock of the pantry of your marriage. You’ll never think of Coconut Cake in the […]

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