Yesterday I mentioned that it’s never too early to get ready for the “empty nest,” the years when your children are doing their own thing and you and your husband are on your own. Well, okay, if all of your children are infants and toddlers, you may not have to start preparing for it just yet! But if they’re in elementary school or older, now’s the time to get started. Because I can tell you from experience, the time flies by. One day you’re immersed in history fair projects and music lessons and Scout meetings and soccer practices, and the next day (seemingly) you’re attending your son’s final soccer banquet or your daughter’s final dance recital. And you look at your husband and think, “What are we going to do now?”
Fortunately, if you’ve put some time and energy into getting ready for the “empty nest,” you’ll know exactly what you’re going to do. And you’ll be looking forward to it. But you have to be prepared. Yesterday I shared four ways to start preparing now, so you’ll be ready when your children head off to college, move into their own apartments, or otherwise start lives that don’t center around you and your husband. (And yes, no matter how much you’ve prepared, that transition is painful!) Today I want to share four more things you can do now, regardless of your children’s ages, to create a marriage that will ease into that period with as little stress and as much joy as possible:
- Develop friendships and a social life beyond your children’s sports and activities. When our younger son stopped playing basketball in high school in order to focus on soccer, I (somewhat) jokingly asked my husband, “What are we going to do for a social life in the winter?” Because from November through February for many years, most of our “social life” had revolved around basketball. And it’s natural for that to happen, because basketball (or soccer or dance or drama or whatever) takes up a lot of time. But if you aren’t intentional about developing friendships or a social life beyond those activities, you may feel quite a “social shock” when they end. So spend some time and energy on friendships in your church, neighborhood or other social circles. Or, develop friendships with the basketball or dance parents that don’t depend entirely on those activities continuing. Get together with some of them outside the organized activity, or keep the friendship going even when the season ends, in order to build relationships that will endure even when your children move on.
- Prioritize sex and intimacy in your marriage. During the busy child-rearing years, it’s tempting to let sex and intimacy fall by the wayside. It’s so easy to think – I’m tired, I have too much to do, the kids are sucking up all my time and energy, my husband is a big boy and can take care of himself. Most of the time, all of those things are true. But that doesn’t mean they’re good for you or your marriage. Sex is the glue that holds your marriage together in the hard times, and creates joy in the good times. It’s the thing that differentiates your marriage from every other relationship in your life. And it’s one of the things that reduces stress and produces all sorts of feel-good chemicals in your brain. So don’t let it slide. Instead, nurture sex and intimacy in your marriage. Make time for it. Focus on it. Pursue it. It’s one of those things that will pay you back in spades, both now and in the “empty nest” years.
- Develop ways to serve together. It’s easy to be so focused on our family’s schedule, activities and commitments, that we forget about the real needs that exist in our own communities and around the world. Figuring out how to juggle work, church, travel soccer and play practice doesn’t seem so daunting when we remember that people in our town are hungry or homeless or lonely. Or that people around the world are living as slaves or trying to protect their children from the ravages of war. Developing ways to serve others as a couple or a family helps put things in perspective now, and creates an interest you and your husband can continue as your children get older and develop their own lives. This is something my husband and I have not done well, and is an area we really need to focus on this year.
- Develop the fun side of your marriage. Sometimes marriage just becomes so tedious, doesn’t it? It’s all work and no play, and suddenly no one is having very much fun. Don’t let your long list of “have to” items suck all the fun out of your marriage. Set a goal of doing something fun together at least once a week. More often is better, but once a week is a good place to start. It doesn’t have to be a formal date night, just something both of you consider fun – a walk after dinner, a bike ride, an outing to get a cup of coffee, time to watch a funny movie. You don’t want to arrive at the “empty nest” years and find that you don’t know how to have fun together. That would be a bad feeling, to say the least! So start having fun together now – not only does it prepare your marriage for the future, it also helps you enjoy the present.
Are you taking steps now to get ready for those years (even if they’re way down the road)? Or have you reached that stage in your marriage? What are your tips for preparing for the time when children are off doing their own thing? Please share them in the Comments – I would love to hear from you. Gaye
Sharing with Messy Marriage, To Love, Honor and Vacuum, Motivation Monday and Pin It Monday.
lisa says
You assume we are all married. Having an empty nest is way more difficult when you are a single parent and find yourself with an empty house and living alone. I know we are supposed to get out there and date again but if you arent interested in that its really hard. maybe you can do a piece for us single mothers sometime
GC says
Hi Lisa – I know that not all women facing the empty nest are married, and I’m sure that it is very difficult to deal with that situation as a single person. It’s just that the target audience for this blog is primarily married women, so that is the group I’m thinking about when writing these posts. I hope that some other bloggers are sharing information for single parents who are facing that situation.
Thanks so much for stopping by.
Gaye
DeDivahDeals says
So true, our youngest just got accepted into Bowie State University and will be leaving home to attend. Although our oldest will be with us due to his disability – I can feel the loneliness slowly creeping up on me….
GC says
Hi Antionette – Yes, that feeling of knowing that the first one is about to go off to college is a stressful feeling. It is definitely a big adjustment.
Gaye
DeDivahDeals says
I know which is why I am asking for prayers – lol Have a wonderful day!
Kim Hall says
We served in small ways when our girls were younger, such as helping build our school’s new playground, or volunteering at the annual school fun fair. Now my hubby and I are in a new city and a new church, and just last week started to volunteer again. We love helping others. While we may not always serve in the exact same event in the same role, we enjoy talking or hearing about each other’s experience.
I would also recommend trying out new activities or hobbies. I took a photo class and discovered how much more I enjoyed photography when I took better photos. My husband was inspired to pick up a camera, too, and now we enjoy taking time to meander the countryside taking pictures.
GC says
Hi Kim – Yes, I should have added that we can support each other in our individual areas of service too. We don’t always have to serve in the exact same way, but it can still be an experience that we share.
Love the idea of new shared activities and hobbies. My hubby and I need to find something like you and your hubby have found with photography. We are thinking that it might be biking, but aren’t quite sure.
Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing.
Gaye
Love Notes by Judy says
Hi Gaye,
We are still very far from this stage but as you said time flies. “There’s more to do so little time” – I hope that when we get to this stage we’ll do a lot of fun times. I want good memories. Memories that we both shall cherish, remembered and share it to our children and grandchildren.
This is very nice post Gaye.
Judy
pursuitoffunctionalhome
GC says
Thanks so much, Judy. You’re right – time does fly! I can remember vividly when our youngest son started school, and now he is in college! Yikes!
Gaye