Do you ever feel like sex and intimacy require more energy and enthusiasm than you can muster? That figuring them out, or trying to improve your sex life, is just a bit too much trouble – possibly not worth the effort?
Or that sex is primarily about your husband and not very much about you?
Yeah, I know that feeling. I’ve felt that way in the past and, to be completely honest, I still feel that way once in a while. But most of the time, I know that sex and intimacy add much more to my life, my husband’s life and our marriage than it requires of me in the way of time and energy.
If you want to improve sex and intimacy in your marriage, but aren’t sure you have quite enough energy or enthusiasm to get started, don’t despair. Change is entirely possible – if you decide to make it happen. Here are three words that can help. If you’re looking for ideas to improve your sex life, or even just change it up a bit, consider applying one, two or all three of them to your life.
Sometimes women feel as if their sexuality has gone missing, or never showed up in the first place. They just don’t feel sexual.
If that’s you, then trying to improve your sex life may sound like an awful lot of trouble.
But God created us as sexual beings, and we’re missing out on a tremendous blessing (and a lot of fun!) if we don’t tap into that part of ourselves. So the first step for many women will be to activate their sexuality.
For some, this may involve focusing on feeling sexual, taking care of themselves, taking time to learn what feels good to their bodies, or talking openly with their husband about sex.
Others (maybe you!) may need to let go of commitments that absorb large amounts of time or energy, ask for help with day-to-day responsibilities, get more sleep, or make time to take care of themselves.
For other women, activating their sexuality may take a little more work. If you’re in that group (and even if you’re not), check out the excellent information at Pearl’s Oyster Bed and Hot, Holy and Humorous or read an encouraging sex-positive book.
Then begin to take small steps toward thinking of yourself as a sexual woman – an important part of your life that deserves as much attention as the mom, employee, chauffeur, cook, and housekeeper parts!
And be sure to open the lines of communication about sex and intimacy with your husband, even if it seems difficult. (Believe me, I know that’s hard to do – but it’s worth the effort!)
Let’s be honest – sometimes sex seems like one more item on your “to do” list. You just want to hurry it up because you have more important things to do – like get some sleep!
Here’s a secret to overcoming that feeling and making things more fun and exciting – take a more active role in your sex life.
In other words, participate! It’s easy to fall into the habit of letting our husbands do all the work and to think of sex as primarily something for him. That’s okay once in a while, but not as a steady diet.
So become an active participant. Hold him, kiss him, touch him. Respond to his touches, and let him know (with words, sounds or actions) what makes you feel good.
Speak up about things you’d like to try – or just do them! Try out different ways of using your body to improve sex and increase intimacy. Try some essential oils that may boost sensual feelings. As you become an active participant (rather than an observer) in your own sex life, you’re likely to find it to be a lot more fun and interesting.
Don’t you love the word “instigate?” It sounds just a little bit naughty – which is exactly what sex in marriage should be (at least some of the time). It includes the idea of “initiating” sex occasionally, which is a great way to participate in your own sex life.
But it also includes stirring things up, surprising your husband (and yourself!), trying something new, or setting a sexy mood.
It could be as simple as playing sexy music, dancing together, wearing some new (or rarely used!) lingerie, setting the mood with candles and scent, or doing other simple things that can spice up your marriage.
Or it could be a bit more adventurous – a different location, a new position, a vibrator, or some fun props. Of course, you don’t need to try something exotic every time, or even most of the time. But every now and then, instigating can rejuvenate sex and intimacy in your marriage! (Here are some additional ideas for boosting sex and intimacy.)
Have you used any of these words to transform your sex life? What words (and actions) have worked for you? Please share your ideas in the Comments – I would love to hear from you.
(If you have significant physical or emotional health issues related to sex and intimacy, please seek the help of a physician and/or professional counselor. Also, the ideas included in this article (and the links) are intended to encourage women in reasonably healthy marriages. If you’re in a difficult or unhealthy marriage, they won’t be helpful to you. If that’s the case, please seek professional help in your community. And if you’re in a physically or emotionally abusive marriage, please contact a domestic violence organization or law enforcement agency in your community. Abuse is never the fault of the person being abused, and working on your sex life will never improve an abusive marriage.)
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